Thursday, January 27, 2005

Let me take you "higher"

by coming out and seeing me at the Hot Box Cafe tonight at the back of Roach O Rama. It starts at 8 and costs $5, I think. The Hot Box Cafe comedy night is pretty ridiculous--basically, 4-8 people go up to a super-stoned crowd that tends to respond quietly and overly judiciously to the comics. Comedy critic Andrew Clark brought it up in a review in the Toronto Star today, saying a girl named Michelle Shaugnessy had the standout response. I've never seen her, but I don't strictly judge standup by the immediate crowd response to their work. If you're capably broad, people will like you. It's just math. The best comics, to me, are those who are specific yet somehow remain universal. It's a difficult thing to be, and it seems a difficult thing to maintain as well. Silence greeting The Hot Box is not the sign of a displeased audience, that's all I know. Maybe it is the sign of an audience that doesn't value comedy as much as some think it must be valued, but in my opinion a lot of standup isn't as funny as conversations among friends, so we comedicans should all just try to be funnier than most friends, is what I'm saying. Especially Ross.
Anyway, stonedness tends to bring out the inner ice-griller in a crowd. At the same time, an onslaught of comedians is bad for anybody's soul, so I can understand their ambivalence. On the other hand, I have a hangnail. My right hand, to be exact. Whatever the case, Hot Box is a fun place to be, and at the least it is an interesting event. Moving on, we made the flyer for the next joke club. It looks kickass!!

Please also note that Brutal Knights have the show at the horseshoe tomorrow, Jan.28, and we go on at 1130. And if you miss that for whatever 'reas', you can go see us with BBQ vs King Khan at the Silver Dollar next thursday, feb. 3. 'Twill be wunnerful.

Saturday, January 22, 2005


Did you know there was a shoddy Anchorman rip-off southern rap comedy movie named Crunkerman? I didn't either, until I concocted the lie that there was a movie with that name. I had a late night yesterday, and today I feel gross. As well, Toronto is being blanketed with a thick layer of cold snow. As well, I have to be up early tomorrow. This means no partying tonight. Denying me the right to party is similar to denying a depressed person shoelaces. Meaning, it happens when I'm in the hospital.

The Pontiac Quarterly was cool. A fellow read his take on a series of photographs of Susan Sontag, and among other fun appearances, Lisa Gabriel read. It was kinda thrilling to just pop up in between them all. I even got to read an erotic story.

We have a show with Illuminati soon. Here's the poster:

The comedy show I said I'd be playing on sunday isn't happening, by the way.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Malt Comedy Lounge

Ho there! This blog is killing me, because looking at computer screens probably causes cancer, as does looking at or eating red meat. I do all three of those things so I guess I'm "flucked", as a creative or Canadian rapper might put it. So, remember my shows this week:

THURSDAY JAN 20@ Drake Hotel, 8PM I am performing as part of the Pontiac Quarterly. It's $10 and proceeds go to disaster relief.

FRIDAY JAN 21@ Oasis as part of Canker, alongside loads of great comics, many of whom are from Calgary because it is this lady Megan Fraser's birthday. The price is PWYC.It'll be fun.

So far this week has been alright. Performed at the Alt Comedy Lounge this monday, and it was a cold night. For some reason I really wasn't in the mindset where I could watch the other comics' acts, although I did catch a surprise performance from Sean Cullen that was pretty clever. The guy who went on a couple of spots before me was so comically gay that it seemed impossible that he was. He seemed to have brought most of the audience too, and they loved it when he called himself a 'size queen'.
Then he came backstage and asked if my belly was fake. I would have asked if his effeminate vocal affectation was fake, but that retort came to me two days later and I have no time machine, unless you count my father's eyes(they contain past regrets).
Aside from that, the show was fine, but not too alty.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

What's the deal with ducks not being lame, but lame ducks being lame? Who are these people?

Sometimes reviews I write, for whatever reason(although it could be lame duck-ism), never see the light of day. So I thought I would make you bloggenheimers privy to my private writs. Here are some:

Daysend Severance(Metal Blade)Rating:1(out of five)
Big solos and boringly screamed voice work make for an unoriginal and frustrating listen to what should be Christian rock, but strangely isn’t. Why does so much of this bullshit sound the same? At times there’s a heaviness present that isn’t found in most crud like this, but it isn’t enough. If you are ever fired from a job, this Severance will give you no consolation.

NOFX The Greatest Songs Ever Written(Epitaph)Rating:2 (out of 5)

Each song featured on this best-of also features a shitty part, whether it’s in the lyrics, the musical or lyrical concept behind each song, or the whined vox that bring to mind the billions of bands that have taken NOFX’s fun spirit and bastardized it further than the already-bastardy original ever seemed able to be bastarded. Also, the liner notes revel in the many bad reviews the band has had in the past, so this tepid review is an obvious try to get in their box set’s liner notes. My motives are as transparent as the visible man.

Vader The Beast(Metal Blade) Rating:3 out of 5

These Polish metalheads have been kicking it for almost twenty years now, but you might not notice if you picked up The Beast, their newest record, because it sounds like it could have been recorded in any chamber of Hell at any point in the history of man, as long as it was during a point when guitars existed. This contains a great deal of mid-tempo brutality with solos that start and stop on a dime. in the end, what makes or breaks this is if you can deal with the cookie monster vocals. The choice is yours.

Mr.Cheeks Ladies and Ghettomen(Legal Drug Money/Cantango)Rating:3 out of 5

The original east coast Nelly is back, and this time(as always) he’s brought his friends! Yes, Lost Boyz veteran Mr.Cheeks will hopefully use his Lil’ Kim-aided musical relevancy to pole-vault into the lofty heavens of popular hip-hop. Actually, Cheeks has stepped his game up, expanding on what was once a one-note flow and sounding pleasantly varied throughout the disc, at times approaching the go-to Jay-Z flow that many MCs these days approximate, but it’s the three Pete Rock-produced jams that help keep this musical boat afloat, as well as the overall good production and unpretentious vibe.

Dry Kill Logic The Dead and Dreaming(Repossesion Records)Rating:2 out of 5

This is super-technical stuff, filled with loud-to-quiet breakdowns and growled and screamed vocals. The songs are all like that to various small and larger extents, with a seemingly ‘90s alternative Alice In Chains/Helmet cast to Cliff Rigano’s vocals, when he isn’t using a deep guttural bellow. After 10 tracks of fairly samey but well-played alterna-metalcore, the whole production ends with No Reason-a mellow and Creed-sounding investigation of why there is no reason for things. This is fine for what it is, but a lot predictable.

Akon-Trouble(Universal)Rating:3 out of 5

This former Refugee Camp All Star(not John Forte) is a double threat, handling production on his debut album, as well as providing his gangsta R&B vox to the effort. He’s not the worst singer, with a good handling of his range and little oversinging, and the production is decent, but this is yet another 2004 R&B record that is almost tinny-sounding while at the same time coming off as a bit too polished. I suppose people polish tin all the time, so it makes sense. At the same time, Akon’s R&B is at the very least personalised, and there’s a lot of tuneage nowadays that ain’t.

Eugene Mirman Title:The Absurd Nightclub Comedy of Eugene Mirman Rating:4 out of 5

Russia-to-Boston-to-New York based jokesmith Mirman is a double threat—in that his CD also has a DVD packaged with it thus, thus threatening humour for both the eyes and ears. The album is the more involved project, taken from performances in New York and Cambridge, and they showcase Mirman’s oddball delivery and and penchant for absurdist jokes, like his ad campaign for shapes(“Square--the other rectangle”). The four short films on the DVD are also humourous, particularly his anti-pot short movie and Backdraft 2: Backdraftier. With liner notes by David Cross and a discography that apparently includes Jethro Tull’s Aqualung, Mirman has a commendable silliness.

Al Franken-The Very Best Of The O’Franken Factor(Artemis)Rating:1 out of 5

If you need to buy one compendium of topical radio comedy this year, make your own and buy it from yourself, because it will probably be better than this preachy piece of evidence that a program’s first year on the radio doesn’t stand a chance at being entertaining ,especially when it’s presenting buzzword evidence(Haliburton! Mission Accomplished! Bush is rich!) coupled with Franken’s self-importance, songs that would make funny-song king Tom Lehrer turn over in his bed, and pettily shrill gags that are terrible, at best . In fact, it could be possible that this CD’s badness is intentionally designed so that more people vote for Kerry, in order to curb Franken’s Bush material.

Duran Duran-Astronaut(Epic Records)Rating:2 out of 5

Who needs new bands when old bands keep putting out music? Imagine time froze if those who hadn’t already contributed to pop culture were not allowed to in the future. Nobody would get old, and God would finally smile. Perhaps God finally has smiled, because orginal lineup Duran Duran at least look like time froze for them, and have released a light and poppy new LP, with a glut of songs featuring what should be a welcome electro sound , but the record is generally lacking the vague creepiness that made them such a daring first love for so many schoolgirls, and also is dull. The best news: their worldly arrogance remains intact.

Papa Roach-Getting Away With Murder(Geffen)Rating:2 out of 5

Papa Roach still have that vaguely funky, dull, huge-chorused thing going for them, with some dude strongly whine-yelling(including dropping ultimate cliche line ‘I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired’) for twelve songs that will undoubtedly be featured in B-level horror and sci-fi movies throughout 2004 and 2005.Maybe just see those movies, and don’t buy the album. Or do both--it doesn’t really matter. Do what you you feel. They have a song where they mention conservative talking point ‘the death of outrage’. It must be dead-their album left me not outraged; only a little queasy and tired, particularly in the ear area.

Insane Clown Posse-Hell’s Pit(Psychopathic Records)Rating:2 out of 5

This is supposed to be the final card in ICP’s ‘occult deck of albums’ or something, but it doesn’t sound very final, but really, you need only listen to 17 ICP songs(the amount that’s on this album) and if you really need to, watch the DVD that comes with it, so if you buy it, you could certainly make it your final ICP purchase. These dude are still pioneers though-if not lyrically or thematically, there is little that is as awkwardly terrible as these two jerk clowns. Listen to this on a discman while smelling a used diaper to get the full effect Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J want to have on you.

Pillar-Where Do We Go From Here(Flicker Records)Rating:1 out of 5

Do you know why this album only gets one N? Because it’s bland faux nu-metal Christian pop rock with self-righteous vocals. It sucks the bag so badly that I am now sterile because of listening to it. On the plus side, if you learn to tolerate it you will probably get into the better parts of heaven, aka the areas with seating. Please take a vow of musical abstinence, Pillar.

Alter Bridge-One Day Remains(Epic/Wind-Up)Rating:2 out of 5

I think it’s unfair that Florida is being punished with hurricanes for being a big market for bands like Creed. So, I would say that in order to avoid more hurricanes, Florida should not enjoy anything done by any member of said now-broken up band, including this release from Alter Bridge, which consists of everybody from Creed save Scott Stapp, although he’s replaced by another guy with a shoddy keening vibrato voice that drives me nuts, as do all of the tunes. Only listen to this if you like God.

Patton Oswalt-Feelin’ Kinda Patton(United Musicians)Rating:4 out of 5

This LA-based standup and contemporary of Dave Attell, Louis CK and David Cross has released his first album; a drink-filled live show taped at Atlanta’s 40 Watt Club, and it’s as funny as the world’s funniest whoopie cushion. It encompasses numerous bits that he’s done over the years, including a fairly funny comparison between TV recording device tivo and a kid with a learning disability. His take on producer Robert Evans’ ESPN commericals is also classic. Oswalt’s quickness, funny references and hilarious wording lead to laughter that, if we all listened to the record simultaneously, would bring about world peace, or at least, a moment of peace in a quarter of the world. The least populated quarter.

Well, I feel purged. And lazy, considering this entry was a cut and paste job TO THE EXTREME!!!

Friday, January 14, 2005

Randy Mann, ultimate playa

Randy Mann went to the sto' one day and bought some rubbers. He then used them all over town, this way and that, on all kinds of people and things. The law of averages caught up with him eventually, and he knocked some poor dame up. Luckily, she won a million dollars in the lottery the day after. Unluckily, the child she had with Randy grew up to be mean and odd-smelling. That child was...COMEDY

Speaking of comedy, I have comedy this upcoming week. Last week and this past monday's recent foray into joking at the Rivoli and Gladstone hotel, respectively, promises to be almost repeated. Similar to some of the jokes told. Here are the dates. Bring a date.

SUNDAY JANUARY 16th. I'll be rocking the OLD YORK TAVERN 3rd ANNIVERSARY BRO-HO-HO-HOEDOWN alongside other laffmongers. It starts at 9, and is free. I hope they give me a special drink that gets me 'iced'.

MONDAY JANUARY 17th I'll be making my 3rd or 4th appearance since 2002 at the weekly ALT DOT COMEDY LOUNGE at the RIVOLI. ALL CAPS. It's PWYC and I think I'm on last, so show up anytime between 9 and 1045 and you shan't miss my stupid act.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 20th I'll be at the DRAKE HOTEL at a "Live literary magazine" called The Pontiac Quarterly, quite potentially reading one of my world famous erotic stories, and perhaps adding a brand new one.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 21st I'll be rocking the OASIS as part of Jared Sales and Daryn McCintyre's CANKER night. It's PWYC as well, and other funnies are on the bill. I may have other shows that night, but nothing's set in stone.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 23RD I'm at Clinton's as part of goodie bag TV. It's $5 and will be video'd, so sneak in some boos.

JOKE CLUB at the DRAKE is TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8th. Great acts are promised. Varied and scary acts will party there. It'll be at 8 PM SHARP, maybe earlier. Updates pending.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Whatever happenned to...Morton Downey jr.?

He brutally died of cancer.

I'm brutally listening to Lagwagon right now. Not my favourite band. I think I like Wreckless Eric better. I stayed up all night last night(after comedying up the Gladstone) to write a 100 word CD review, so I'm fairly bleary eyed right now. I should let you know that my new year's resolution is 'millions of colours'.

The band has loads of shows in America's west coast in february. I will let them be known soon. I'm gonna go, because right now I blog only to blog, and that is wrong-ass.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

I Am Blogging to Protect The World

We bloggers are the first line of defense when the other team tries to get a touchdown with lies. We bloggers are the main key to the door that, if unlocked, will stop terrorism forever. But which pocket are the keys in? These pants have so many pockets...

I still have to see Fat Albert. I made a vow to see it, but nobody I know seems to want to. It stars my fat friend who was in Good Burger. Yes, I'm talking about Abe Vigoda's cock. It smells like 'fish'! I think having an old man's fat, white, whaley cock play a heavyset young black man is a racialist move on the part of Mr. B. Cosby.

Thanks to 'urrbody'(as Chingy maybe would say) who came out to Joke Club the other day. From my ex-girlfriend, to my fake sister, to my real sister, you were all there, and my constant need to buy a sandwich thanks you. Really, everybody managed to or came close to hilariousing the place up, and that was rad of them to try to do. The next one is tuesday, February 8th. Anybody have a good suggestion for Toronto based comics they want to see play it? So far I've got some good folk lined up, including the return of Tim Nasipolous and Mack Lawrenz, Aaron Berg and Knock Knock Who's There Comedy.

On thursday I was going to go to a comedian's going-away party at the Bovine Sex Club, but I wound up getting a phone call from concert impresario Dan Burke. My presence was needed at a "DJ what you can night", where he wanted people to bring records, and be a DJ for night. A good idea. Unfortunately, nobody came besides me, my friends, a band that was booked to play, the employees, and Todd, the old soundman at the El Mo and Tequila Lounge who's been doing sound for exercise fad band Pilate for the last little while. I got drunk. Then I had a slice of Massimo deluxe pizza. Then I found myself at this lady Joyce's house with my friends, had some rum, and barfed on her floor. So I didn't make it to the going away party. I was there in spirit, barfing.

I have a trillion shows between now and the next joke club. Here they are...the first one's tomorrow!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 9 at 9 PM I will be performing at the Rivoli alongside some very funny stuff. The Gurg will be doing sketch comedy with Paul Schuck, Levi Macdougall will be joking, as will I, as will David Dineen-Porter. The cost is pay what you can. Please consider doing the come thing for this event.

MONDAY, JANUARY 10 I will be doing 5-7 minutes at the Gladstone hotel as part of Mack Lawrenz and Sarah Hennesey's Gladstone show. It's in the middle room and free.

FRIDAY JANUARY 14 there may or may not be a show. Let's think about it.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 16 I'll be doing some time at the old york Tavern's Drink Til They're Funny 2 year anniversary show, alongside other funnies. It's free and starts at 9.

MONDAY, JANUARY 17 I'll be performing at the alt dot comedy lounge at the Rivoli. it's at 9 PM, Pay What You Can, and features a hodgepodge of Torontonian laughmakers, including Knock Knock Who's There Comedy's Aaron Eves, who funnied Joke Club with his dirty constellation talk.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 20 I'll be performing at The Drake Hotel as part of The Pontiac Quarterly, a 'live action magazine'. It starts at 8 PM and costs $10, with money going toward tsunami relief. I'm sure it will be a grand old time.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 21 I should be doing a standup comedy set at Stone's Place as part of my friend Pam's night called Pet Sounds. It should be 'funsies'. Also, I'm doinga set at Canker at the Oasis on this night as well. It's PWYC! Double doody!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 23 I'll be doing a set at a Goodie Bag TV night at Clinton's, which I believe will be $5 and start at 9. It's goin to be videotaped, so bring only your cleverest heckle.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 28 my band Brutal Knights will be performing alongside The Illuminati at the Horseshoe tavern. It's probably $10. Maybe less. Who can say?

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Top ten year in review


1.Fart Club
4.Over The Top
5.upcoming The Simpsons movie
6.Rising Sun
7.Does the live episode of ER count?
8.Murder at 1600
9. Air Force One
10. Dick

come to joke club