Wednesday, October 27, 2004


I opened up for the Unicorns the other day, at known industrial goth bar The Vatikan. I dressed as Weird Al Yankovic. I hope somebody took a picture. It was packed, all the bands were good, and enough of the audience liked my jokes to make me happy. I really like telling my damn jokes. So please don't try and stop me. Actually, do. Conflict makes the world go round. I have so many shows coming up but no energy to tell you of them. Brutal Knights sunday and monday. Comedy next thursday.

Oh yeah, here's some more from my tour diary.


We left for Baltimore after a night of severe partying down in New York, and the trip was long and costly, with tolls galore draining our limited coffers at every opportunity. I was wearing my Fred Perry white tennis shorts and a pink short sleeve T. We followed Mapquest's directions to the city in search of my friend Eunice's sister Joyce, whom we were stayting with.
Baltimore is a city I have grown fond of without visiting, thanks to John Waters and TV shows like Homicide, The Wire and Oz. This would be my last show with Hamburger, and his type of crowd changed from city to city. Providence brought no crowd, New York brought hip crowds, and Boston brought smart Hamburger fans. But before worrying too much about the show itself, we began to worry about Baltimore itself. Unfortunately, Mapquest isn't classist, and so our path to Joyce's house took us through housing projects that were straight off of the grittiest representations of Baltimore-bunker-style housing that looked the same from block to block, clothes drying on traffic islands, and broken pay phones. We couldn't find Joyce's house and I had neglected to retrieve her phone number, so I couldn't call her. Would we be trapped in Baltimore? To be continued.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Looks like Jigga needs to "Jogga"

The emboldened portion of this weblog entry is based on what I would say if I wrote headlines for rap tabloids and Jay-Z was a fatter personality. The non-emboldened portion is based on what I'm thinking about as I type this. Oh no I hate mondays?!
They are so bad. Worst thing about monday is the fact that there is no Saturday Night Live on monday, and in case you didn't know, SNL is the new platform where Ashlee Simpson is shamed, and that is a good, daresay postively earth-changing "ting".

Look at what SF Weekly had to say about my friends Allyson and Carson's band Parchman Farm, who were runner up best San Fran Hard Rock Band:

Parchman Farm

Far be it from us to quote from a band's official biography, but in the case of Parchman Farm -- whose press release says as much about the group's sense of humor as it does its sound -- it's too hard to resist. Big riffing guitarist Allyson Baker is said to be "a Jewish version of Ted Nugent," hence her nickname, "The Jewge." The spastic bass lines of Carson Binks are called "lead bass, but not in an annoying fretless Les Claypool way or in a nu-metal style." Drummer Chris LaBreche, it is claimed, owes his style to "Grand Funk Railroad drummer Don Brewer." The colorful combination is topped off by ex-Mover frontman and guitarist/singer Eric Shea's gritty yelps, the sort that make you nostalgic for Sabbath, the South, and The Dukes of Hazzard. The group's self-titled debut EP provides us with a heavy dose of psychedelic '70s riffing, with songs that conjure a time when pulling out a lighter at a concert wasn't ironic, mustaches outnumbered goatees, cowbells were a standard part of a drum ensemble, and "heavy metal" bands dressed like Thor. The proficient dual solo attack of bass and guitar, which in most cases would come off as annoying, here works to the band's advantage, strewing heavy gobs of distortion gravy, beneath which LaBreche employs his knowledge of every drum solo Bonzo ever committed to bootleg. "They are like a shark riding on top of an elephant, just stomping and chomping everything in sight," the bio claims -- a truth as accurate as any.

Sweet! And hey guess what? I 'punched up' their bio! 'Punching up' theoretically means 'made funnier'. I love punch ups.
Also, recently I did an online interview for an "E-ZINE" put together by a fellow named Stu who works at a clothing shop by day. Cut and paste this if you want:
I had a bit of a bizay weekend. Friday I embarassed myself to a roomful of uncaring collegiate types at a reggae bar, and then argued with a lady who hated my jokes, but soon grew to love my eyebrows, or non-lack there of. Afterwards and during I partied so heartily, reminding me of days where I did that sort of thing more. Days like last saturday. This past saturday(not to be confused with 'last' saturday), I had the misfortune of seeing Matthew Good do his music to me. Ow. It was being like sodomised in the ear by a demonic baby. I do not speak from experience. An ex-marine described the feeling to me. Then sunday I went to my cousin's wedding and didn't feel Jewish enough, so when nobody was looking I ran to the restroom(I'm trying to get used to saying 'restroom' so that America will accept me more) and tattooed extreme sideburns onto my face and asked Europe to hate me more vociferously. Jogga what jogga who?

Thursday, October 21, 2004

I like culture

I am a cultured man. What I just said is so true; you have no idea how cultured I can be when I turn on my everflowing culture faucet. My cutlery-handling skills makes the great Noel Coward look like a drunk caveman. Dinner repartee of mine is akin to combining the voice of God with the taste of finest Swedish chocolate. After dinner we recline Roman-style upon plush couches the likes of which have never been made yet, and I dole out back and hand massages that have been known to reverse the aging process, sometimes even to babyish levels. Let me be your butler.

More BK lyrics:


Hanging out on doobs, coke and meth
Late at night drinking wine from shoes
Barfing out a disgusting mess
Fell downstairs and got a bruise

it's not fun to be like me dude
it's really fucking stupid
not fun to be wasted and dumb
it's stupid

Hanging out...bruise
Went to the fancy restaurant and ordered calimari
Got food poisoning, chef says he's sorry

it's not...stupid

So I have a show tomorrow, Friday October 22 at Thymeless on College and Augusta. It's $3 and I'm doing a set at Doing It To Death, a night of good-times music. You should go. Why don't you?

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Team America:World Police Is More Enjoyable Than Listening To The Black Crowes

Yes, it's true. I saw the picture earlier today, and laughed. Funny songs and funny puppet movement, and some funny lines. Good times, especially if you enjoyed Orgazmo and Baseketball. The scene I found funniest involves panthers. From what I could tell it wasn't better than the South Park movie. And celebs get brutalised. Yesterday I watched Stoked: The Rise and Fall of Gator, and enjoyed it. I didn't learn or get a boner, but it creeped me out and frustrated me, which are the same sensations I get from both learning and bonering, so it basically was the same, except longer.

I just listed a bunch of upcoming shows in the post below. So none of that show talk, did this week ever go differently than I expected it to. I didn't go to or perform at one Neil Hamburger show this week, and he was touring through my area. Disappointing, but hopefully I'll see him soon. And yes, if you've been following my tale--I was indeed too broke to go play his show in Montreal saturday night. That fact made me sad. I was considering trying to catch him in Hamilton today, but had no ride.

I really have nothing to write now. Here is some more lyrics:


Why does everything cost too much?
I always have to borrow money
just to buy premium zigs
stupid stupid bad society
anarchy, right now, today

shoes cost too much
music cost too much
acne treatment cost too much

Why do travel costing money?
Price of gas so high it's funny
doobie prices are through the roof
look at my receipt, it's proof
anarchy, right now, today

shoes...too much

I am always on the guest list
but drinks at bar still cost too much
why does everything cost too much?
I can't understand why everything costs too much

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

So Fat

Thought I'd drop another Brutal Knights song on y'all, then talk a little bit about a thing we all know and love called "life", and then about a thing I at least know and love called "shows I'm playing".


I'm so stupid, stupid
so stupid for eating bad food
jerky, tacquitos
sev-elev shopping spree
nothing is free

I get so fat
too fucking fat

nothing is free
I eat pieces of shit for breakfast
it adds to waistline and I weep
girls still want to fuck around
but I look like a creep

I get so fat
too fucking fat

There you have it! So fat!!! So true?!?
Thanks to everybody who came out to L'Afterparty. Many the person represented. Not much money was made but the turnout was good, and the comedians all did a great job. Thanks to Gilson Lubin, Joe Ross, Deborah Robinson, Mack Lawrenz, Jared Sales and Daryn Mcintyre for comedically being funny. And thanks to Animal Monster for basically being the star of the night. He was awesome. I still have his discman. And DJ Shit La Merde ruled too. Go see him spin tunez october 29th at Sneaky Dee's, if you dareth. Lots of friends represented to come see me at the show, as did my sister. I can't wait til the next one--the Xmas L'Afterparty at the Silver Dollar. Yes!

Other shows coming right up:

October 27-MCing the Unicorns show at the Vatikan with Noah23, Besnard Lakes and All Purpose Voltage Heroes. It's $8, All ages(so bring your kid) and doors are at 7:30. I'll put whoever gives me a costume idea I use on the guest list. Or will I?

October 31-Brutal Knights, Fucked Up, Corpusse and Awesome at Sneaky Dee's for Wavelength. PWYC...we're playing at 1030.

November 1-Brutal Knights opening up for Detroit's Soledad Brothers at the Horseshoe. This should be a fun party, and if you want on the guest list just let me know.

November 4th--I'll be opening up for Knock Knock Who's There Comedy alongside Laurie Elliott at the Tim Sims theatre at King and...I dunno, Peter? Wherever the second city building is.

November 10th: I'm MCing a new monthly comedy show at the drake called Joke Club. So far the only confirmed guest is Makesi Arthur. So go. Also, Moosehead pitchers for somewhere between $11-$13. Possible other acts: sketch group Iron Cobra, Knock Knock Who's There's Katie Crown doing standup, and the videogame jokes of Mack Lawrenz--and more!

November 13th: Brutal Knights with Illuminati at The El Mocambo! The first time a band I'm in has played the el mo since Dan Burke stopped booking there. Exciting! Make this your saturday!

November 20th: BK with Sick Fits and The Bayonettes at the Oasis--Also make THIS your saturday.

There are more shows beyond that, including a date in Sudbury with the Constantines and Ottawa and Montreal shows with Sick Fits, and the Montreal one featuring Sunday Sinners at Casa, but I don't have the dates handy.

As well, I was supposed to be in New York today, playing with the Paper Bag showcase at CMJ, but one of the label founders recently left and they decided against having my comedy at the show. Not a big deal because I'm broke, but that's where I would rather be. If anybody has good leads on shows to play on the east USA coast with comedy in november and december, let a wigga know. Also, my brokeness leads me to be scared of not being able to play in Montreal on saturday with Neil Hamburger at Casa Del Popolo, even though I really want to. He's playing on thursday in Toronto, and I want you to go to that in town because he's funny.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Quit That Tom"failure"oolery!

I noticed that this week in my "blog" has been a bit whiny. Not good! Honestly, aren't most people whining so much to themselves that it's extra-annoying to hear somebody whine so others can hear? I don't know, but I'll continue to whine if need be. You should too. If everybody spent more time whining about things and less time blowing things up(meaning, motivate themselves into doing something about what they were whining about) then the world would be a better, less exploding place.

Actually, this week has been a bit trying, if only because I've been working toward a few shows that are coming in the next few days(which I'll get to in a hot second--can you believe I'd love it if you went?!?), and the added fact that there's been a lot of bad news coming my about friends and relatives, and Rodney Dangerfield. I haven't been in the laughingest mood, but that's all the more reason to "get laughy". Which I will do. Tomorrow. I also need to relocate somewhere else. I need a long vacation from this hometown of mine. This means I must save, which could be accomplished with more ease if I had more funds, which I must find a way to get. Hmm. My index finger is on my chin as I think over the nuts and bolts of getting money.

Anyway, I am still kind of bummed out about sad stuff, and need some sleep, so I'm going to go. But PLEASE. Check out L'Afterparty on October 8th at Rancho Relaxo--it's PWYC, but free with stamps from other shows. Although I would like money, because I have to go to CMJ to do comedy next week, and I have little money to pay for it. But L'Afterparty will be fun stuff. As will tomorrow's show at Planet Kensington(and the Hot Box Cafe before that)--the PK show is with Jon-Rae and the River. Plus I just found out I'll be doing a set on November 4th with Knock Knock Who's There Comedy at Tim Sims theatre as part of their two-night stand. And organising and MCing a fun night called Joke Club at the Drake on November 10th, where pitchers will be cheap, believe it or not.

So there you go. Now get out there and party down until your balls or vulva hurts too much for you to continue partying. Then sleep.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

They Used To Call Me Fatso, Now They Call Me Castro

I have a meeting in a few minutes. It concerns this DVD I've got to make. Last night I was tossing and turning, wondering and worrying, hoping the damn things turns out awesome. I think I've recovered from the mindfuck I felt over the weekend, but not totally. I got my pathetic paycheque yesterday, put it in my bank account, and somehow had been docked like $35 by my bank. What the fuck? Lately I've been making myself feel down by believing in Worthington's Law--your value as a person is equal to how much money you have. So right now as a person, I'm worth about as much as day-old donuts. On the bright side, I'm not moldy.

Again, Montreal was alright. Did a couple of comedy sets before controller.controller and Jake Fairley, and I guess the crowd slightly turned on me. All the bands seemed to enjoy me being around, even if I did accidentally wind up with a wristband that belonged to Magneta Lane. I ran into Nardwuar a couple of times on the trip--that was cool, and his collection of interviews he showed reminded me that you can be treated like an asshole for a long time, but eventually all that matters is what you have produced. I don't know why, but Montreal left me feeling humourless. I need joke botox.

Shows: Thursday at Planet Kensington with Jon Rae and The River. free

Friday: L'AFTERPARTY at Rancho Relaxo,PWYC, with DJ Dave(Shit La Merde), Animal Monster, The Midways, Me, Gilson Lubin, Jared Sales etc etc etc...I sent out a big email about this and forgot to write the venue down. Gah! I haven't advertised this L'Afterparty very well at all...hopefully people go.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Les Jokes

Today I've been in Montreal, and still am going to been for the next couple of hours. I'm leaving here in two hours. Pop Montreal has been alright--but I have received no free beer and seen no shows but the one I played with the Paper Bag crew on friday (which went well enough, although this version of France took my mild mention of Expos mascot Youi in the reverse of stride),and the Kool Keith/ DJ Vadim show yesterday, the latter of which almost drove me to suicide. KK didn't play until 2 AM, and finished around 315--completely wrecking any of my plans for the evening. And if I ever hear the name DJ Vadim again, I hope it's in the context of his music being banned under new communism--he was fine, but was forced to play for far too long in order to make time for Kool Keith to get there.
Keith is one of my favourite rappers, so he pretty much can do no wrong in my book;also, I got in for free, so had a different perspective on the show than others. He spent as much time talking in between songs about 'ass lickers vs pussy lickers' than he did busting out shortened, one verse takes on songs of his both obscure and not. But he cleared the packed room by halfway through his set, and when he finished up with a quick encore of Poppa Large and said "This is Kool Keith's last appearance--I'm retired now.", he was greeted with almost as many boos as cheers. Montreal did not seem amused. But they rarely really do. Or should I say 'doo doo'? Maybe.