Thursday, July 29, 2004

Three Hours 'til Magic Time

So I'm moving into the Drake in a few hours. I have two bags packed with clothes,three books, a few CDs, a TV Carnage DVD, and various clothings, among otherthings. I thought my check-in day was this past tuesday, but it turns out Tyler Clark Burke is taking her sweet-ass sweet time sweetly moving out ofher sweet pad, and so I was homeless for two days. A lie. I am at my parent's house and will be after the residency as well. It's really getting time toleave the nest. The umbilical cord attached to me is starting to reek and rot. Maybe I should just let it rot away naturally--meaning, not move out of my parents' house until they or I die. It would be a funny contest. No, but really, I do want to leave the family nest. I think I only want to when I'm absolutely prepared though, both mentally and walletly.

I guess this Drake residency will entail performing there various times, and end with an edition of L'Afterparty on Wednesday August 25th,with my performance filmed for some kind of DVD, and also Brutal Knights will play, and also there will be DJs, and also there will be other performers. If only I could afford to have Nelly do a one-time only comedy set. What a dream. Seriously, I need to pick who's gonna play it, and fast.

Anyway, I started this entry two days ago and am now only just finishing it. Without
any further ado, more of my tour breakdown. Death Becomes Her is on the boob tube and I need to watch it, buddy.


We had bagels with Hollie in Boston and used the internet. It was awesome. Then we started driving again, listening to the new Neurosis album and critiquing various people we knew. The trip was short, but Providence was incredibly rainy that day, and mostly populated by Dunkin' Donuts, which seems to own most of the town's downtown area. Joey Mcintyre was performing at the Dunkin'Donuts Skating Rink that night, alongside Hanson and somebody else who probably has a weird slog of a life and is the toast of their hometown.

Muthafuckas be talkin' funny as flourescent talking shit in Boston and Rhode Island. Indian comedians probably do impressions of that type of accent as often as North American comedians use the 'funny indian' voice. You know what I mean. Providence was fairly miserable and drizzly, and we waited hours and hours before the club opened,attempting to eat fruit and veggies as much as possible that day, seeing as it seemed every night I was eating meat, and every morning also eating meat. The latter was often in the form of a sausage mcmuffin or sausage mcmuffinesque item. The club we arrived at didn't even have posters up for the show, and this led to a wildly underattended event. Luckily, I managed to garner somelaughs from those present, and me and Marco managed to find a place to stayin short order after my set--with a girl named Colleen, who we accompanied to 'metal night', which apparently occurs right above 'eighties night' in Providence. We were mostly drunk, save for Marco, and when arriving at Colleen's we proceeded to party further, unfortunately waking her sleeping roomate,as well as her sleeping roomate's sleeping boyfriend, who was none too pleased to see a couple of amazing dudes totally prepped to make a cuckold out of him, which didn't occur because it wasn't a possibility. Then a bunch of other peoples showed; one girl and a bunch of dudes me and Marco now refer to as a band called "The Cockblocks", because that's what those guys seemed to be all about. We got wasted and fell asleep without brushing our teeths. Waking up the next morning felt gross, and was compounded by the buying of brekwiches, the listening-to of the new Adam Sandler CD, and the drive back to New York City, which took forever, especially when we were actually in the city. Oy. Boo. Daaaam.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Eternal Bullshit of the Filthy and Bored Flanagan

So after a week of taking it slow, I guess I'm preparing again for another grind of a month. I've got to do tons of open mics, some rock shows, and play a bunch of shows at the Drake Hotel, where I'll be the artist in residence this coming month.
My project is to make a good live DVD of my show, and it's daunting. I feel like a magician whose job it is to trick the camera that I'm better than I really am. My parents have been away, and me and my sister Sarah have just been relaxing here, but of late I've been feeling kinda voidy. I need some centrifugal force in my life, and I need it fast. Does that make sense?
I guess it isn't particularly hilarious. Well, imagine that I'm writing this while dogsitting forty hound dogs and smoking a cigar, all the while wearing suspenders but no shirt. Now is it funny? I went to a masquerade ball last night and had a wonderful time hanging out with my friend Davida, a photographer lady who is funny, awkward and nice. I helped bring her photographing equipment to the club, and was paid off with free admission. Then I went to a birthday party for about 20 minutes, but had a pretty great time, due to the eating of cake and the drinking of milky alcholic beverages, which are a fave of mine. Here are some show announcements:

Monday, July 26

I might do a set at Mack Lawrenz' video game-centric open mic at the Fuze Room, just east of bathurst. It's free. I'm probably going to have something else to do or laze out of this entirely, but I'd like to go.

Tuesday, July 27, Drake Hotel
I'll be MCing this night of video art and music, with the rapscallions in Spitfires and Mayflowers performing to cap it all off. I think it's like $2 and starts at 8. The Drake is on Queen West, on the north side, just east of Beaconsfield.

Wednesday, July 28

If I get back from the D12 concert in time, I'm gonna go to Mike Sheer's open mic at the Hooch, on Queen street by Niagara and above Gypsy Co-Op. It is also free. Nothing quite like doing an open mic, is there?

Saturday, August 7, Drake Hotel
I'll be emceeing(but not rapping) at this concert featuring Kat Burns, A Vertical Mosaic, mn-l, and Teh New Sneaks. This is an internet-centric show put on by the 20hz messageboard, Toronto Chapter, and I'm definitely interested in seeing how it goes. I'm trying to think of internet messageboard humour that doesn't involve fixating on the mispelling of commonplace words. It's all about finding the next level.

Monday, August 9, Oasis

BRUTAL KNIGHTS are playing the Oasis, with a bunch of bands, including San Francisco's HIGHTOWER and Wisconsin's THE SHUTUPS. It'll probably be $5-$6. You should go.

And now, my continued serialised recap of my adventures on tour last week, based on copious notes taken at the time.

NY/BOSTON July 11-12

After a very late evening spent on Dara's roof, I had to write an article, which I accomplished via the wonder of the internet, which I still think is bullshit but helps me more than most dads help their sons. I was so happy to have finished this article that I jumped for joy. We(Marco, Dara and I) celebrated by going to a bar called 1849, which had two dollar beers and two fifty mix drinks, as well as fifteen cent wings and a band that covered songs from Zeppelin to U2. I got restless, because drinking gives me heartburn and wings give me the farts, so I stepped out into the street for a bit, and hung around outside famed laff grotto The Comedy Cellar for a bit. Then I ran into Gilbert Gottfried and we blew each other so hard, that by the end of our session we had somehow exchanged our voices. Then me and the team went back to 7B, because I'd forgotten a digital camera there late the night before. We returned to find it was not there. Someone had taken it. We grabbed a cab and went back to Dara's house, slightly drunker, and definitely more bitterer. The night of bad tippery returned in that cab, because we gave a ten cent tip, and the cabbie said "Was there something wrong with the service?" For God's sake--NO! Don't be so insecure. Just accept the facts of typical bullshit life, you silly cabman.

The next day we got up early and headed to Boston, listening to Adam Sandler's new album on the way and occasionally laughing. I talked about girls who were hot, while Marco jonesed for the devil's nut hair, aka ganjah. We got to the club early, had an awesome meal at a nearby restaurant where they were watching an old Jam concert on TV, and played the show, which started weakly on my part but gathered legs as it went along. Doing a bad impression of JFK to a crowd in Boston has always been a dream of mine, and I lived that dream. The people at the bar were nice too. In fact, Hollie the soundgirl at TT the Bears, who was doing the door that night, let me and Marco crash at her house, which we appreciated very much. She stopped us from sleeping in our car and being mugged, raped and killed by people with stupid accents who hate America. Who else could I mean but Massasacheutians? We woke up the next morning, got bagels with her, visited the school where she once learned sound engineering, bought a disposable camera, and headed toward Providence on a rainy day, in a good mood. Hollie recommended we check out something called "Eighties Night" after our show. We needed to find a place to stay in Providence, so a lead on a place to find drunk and potentially hospitable youths was like discovering a geyser of stinky water in a dry-ass desert, but more arousing, but less exciting.
Here's a pic someone took of the Boston set.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

I'm back, and I'm pissed on.

I sit here, just prior the dawn of midday, in my underwear and typing. That is to say--I'm back baby! My 9 day trip to and from New York three times was rad! I had NOW Magazine stuff and more comedy shit to keep me busy, so it wasn't a total vacation, but since I was on a tight budget that was often paying for two, I'm glad I had stuff to distract me with. Anyway, here's a breakdown of my days, based on the copious notes I took...I think I'll break it up into sections. One day today, and more on other's hard to write it all down.
Saturday, July 10:

Went to bed at 1, woke up at 530. Quickly packed all I thought I would need into my parents car, as they worriedly watched me flip out about whether I would get to NY in time to play the show. Counted my money and also stressed. Marco, my friend who so nicely volunteered when asked to drive my parents' car for the tour, arrived at 7 and we hit the road. The drive there was uneventful but pleasant--the most pleasant aspect being when we were passed through at the border, without any BS hassle or even a strong stinkeye. Young people are no longer America's enemy--people with beards are. Of course, during the whirlwind of the week preceding the show, I hadn't really composed my first show's set indepth, so I spent a good deal of the time in the car working that out. We arrived at the club pretty close to the show's start time, and I was too scared and unrelaxed to ask the guy at the bar for beer tickets.
Joe's Pub was pretty fancy-schmancey, and very dark. The peeps represented though, inlcuding Dara, whose house we stayed at while in NYC, and my friends Eunice and Dan, this rad dude Yaz, and Julie, the editor of this real good comedy e-zine called Two Drink Minimum (, and this dude Johnny O,and even Adam Green, which surprised me and was radly pleasing. My set was shakey and confused, but I told the jokes I had, and some people laughed. The response was quiet but there were laughs. Afterward, people at the show remembered me from the last time I opened up for Hamburger. We then took off and partied down at various bars, ending the night at this place 7B, where the people seemed to be picking the same terrible songs on the decent jukebox. Who picks Velvet Revolver EVER?!?!??!? Somebody, apparently. I had bought a disposable camera, but left it at 7B in a drunkenly sloshed haze of wastedness. Me, Dara, Marco and Eunice then went on the roof of her building and continued to drink inoxicating fluids. It was a nice first day. I was just happy we'd entered the country.

I also forgot to mention that this was the night of bad tippery--at Joe's Pub and at some place called Club B or something, Marco and Dara and others ordered food, and a minor tip or misunderstanding led to the server saying 'was there something wrong with the service?';at Club B it was especially bad, because we were legitimately trying to add to our shitty tip, but they didn't let us back into the restaurant, so the server came out and got in a verbal spar with Marco, ending with tthe server using hands as quotation marks and saying 'you guys are cool'. Apparently servers there make three dollars an hour. I for one, don't even get paid by the hour, so he should be happy. Or at least happier.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

The City That Never Sleeps With Me

OK, so I've been in New York for just over 24 hours now, and I'm having a good time, although I'm worried I'll run out of money long before this tour is set to end. I'm playing a show on wednesday but I also really want to go to Cinema Classics or Invite Them Up or whatever that cool comedy thing on wednesdays is here in 'da city'. I'll post my tour dates at the bottom of this lil blog entry as well.

I'm tired right now. I'm planning on eating wings soon though, so that will probably give me an energy that vegetarians only dream about. Do vegetarians dream at all? I've always wondered.

Anyway, last night's show went real cool. I was amazed at the amount of pals and people I'd invited who came--Julie, the editor of Two Drink Minimum(an itnernet comedy magazine, at, designed by a guy named Dan who was there too) showed up and was very cool. Adam Green showed as well, which was a really, really nice surprise. I interviewed him at the beginning of the year and got his email address from him at his show, so I invited him down to the show, and he actually came, and enjoyed it. That's cool shits, if you axe me. Check out for more info.

I really want to see both Dodgeball and Anchorman. Which should it be? Oh, by the way, do you know how scary it is knowing your parent's car is parked somewhere on an NY street, just waiting to be barfed or shitted on or smashed up by an anti-semite? I'm so scurred.

Oh, and how did the set go last night? Pretty good. I did like twenty minutes, and closed with an impression. The crowd liked it, and a lot of people remembered me from the Piano's show. It was very dark in there and I had no beer tickets. Besides that it was good.

The only bummer so far is that I lost a disposable camera and that I still have a hairy potbelly. Here urr the turr dates:
7/12/2004 - CAMBRIDGE (BOSTON), MA
T.T. The Bear's Place
10 Brookline St. Cambridge, MA 02139
8:30 PM doors $8

7/13/2004 - PROVIDENCE, RI '
The Century Lounge
15 Elbow
8:00 PM doors $8

7/14/2004 - BROOKLYN, NY
125 5th Avenue Brooklyn, NY 11217
doors:7:30 PM

7/16/2004 - BALTIMORE, MD
2549 North Howard St Baltimore, MD 21218
9 PM doors $8

July 18th-8 PM-Piano's-Opening for the Whitest Kids U Know-Free-

Yay! See ya soon.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Prime Canadian Beef

Today, I've got nothing. Nothing but sunshine, as it is such a beautiful goldarn day outside of my house. Not that I plan on going outside of my house, but it's really nice to look out the window while you're surfing the internet and needlessly putting off sending emails, and seeing rays of light pleasantly warm the soft heads of children and the elderly.
Things have gone pretty decently since friday. The Brutal Knights show on saturday was really fun, and all the bands that played were great. The venue turned out to be pretty cool as well, although I'm not sure a place where the band playing can be heard for blocks around will necessarilly last, it is a thrill, even if the opportunity is fleeting.
We debuted our new song 'Worst City' that night. It's about London, Ontario. Here are the lyrics:

That is where you come
if you're angry, dumb and horny
that is where you're from

Girls in London Ontario have more problems than math

Overenthusiastic, quick to cop a tude
in hair have streaks of pink or blue
unecessarily lewd

repeat chorus

They are all outsiders
each one of them's 'alternative'
the men are thirty
the girls are twenty
all of them have herpes

repeat chorus

We won't be playing til late July or early august, because I'm going away, as is our bassist Daniella.
Saturday I stayed out late and partied down in somebody from London, Ontario's house. Shaminess ensued, but luckily, not on my end. Or in my end, if you know what I mean.
This week I'll be doing comedy on wednesday, July 7 at the Hooch, but that'll just be a preparatory set at an open mic.

The big shindig will of course be L'Afterparty on July 8, an evening where all who have committed seem to have pulled out. OK, that's not true, but my drummer Andrew would rather go to see Dead Meadow in London Ontario than get free drinks and help make my show more of a show. So there will be no live backing band. Ladies, don't fuck him--he's selfish in bed and has a girlfriend.
Anyway, even if it's all shoddy DJing from me and good DJing from Anousheh, you should come and see me off. It's a once in a lifetime sexperience. I'm gonna do a goddamn 30 minute command performance. Or will I?

Friday, July 02, 2004

Heather M. took the photo above at the Brutal Knights silver dollar show. I dunno who designed the rad flyer below.
Memphis Bleek ASSHOLE

Again, I'm just trying to draw you in with a reference to popular rap guy Memphis Bleek. I'm tired. Why are you assholes forcing me to blog? I wandered around tonight and gave flyers to a bunch of people in town. It was really fun, and made me feel sort of like a guy who runs for political office, running around, kissing babies and such.
I miss my San Franciscan friends who left on monday. They're some of my best pals, and I rarely get to hang out with them. Yet when I do, we have nothing to say to each other. Hey, I know what would cheer me up--printing some Brutal Knights lyrics!

T.B.S.L(typical bullshit life)

It's so cold and you are high
drunk on beers and at a party
some dame you like approacheth thee
you shit your pants and barf on she


TBSL! In my dreams
TBSL! When I try schemes
TBSL! When have job
TBSL! Bullshit life

Renting movies with seven of your friends
everybody wants to rent In Company Of Men
It's already rented, what to do?
all I know is everybody blames you
it's more typical bullshit in your life
that TBSL makes you cry

rpt chorus

This song has a brother tune by my friend Erin Mcdermott(one of the aforementioned San Franciscans) and her band The Western Dark. Their song called TBSL also rules.
Perhaps one day we will make a split punk seven inch where we cover each other's songs that share the same name. A wondrous day that will be.
Brutal Knights are tomorrow at the fuze room.
My comedy set at L'Afterparty will be backed by an orchestra of sorts.