Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Cheap food is disgusting

Wassup, my peoples? I'm just killin' time at ye olde comp, wearing a condom and waiting to get hard. Actually, of late I've been toying with the idea of masturbating while wearing a condom. Has anybody tried this? Does it work?
I just found out that this gross food court I go to once every three months in Chinatown got shut down, for the reason of violating health standards. The reason this is funny is that it's an entire food court that got shut down--every restaurant in the food court was disgusting. If you live in Toronto and have no standards, then you know the one i'm talking about--it charges $2.99 for a five item gross buffet of Asia food. They found rats there, live cockroaches, mice droppings--essentially, if you have eaten there, the residue of vermin and feces has been on your food. And I've eaten there! Hurrah for me and my gross mouth.
Next thing I know, I'm gonna find out that those cheap Chinese buns are filled with shredded hemmerhoids and not shredded pork at all, and that my gross Vietnamese Subs I sometimes buy are actually just cysts found on old people and put upon buns. Discovery is such an overrated thing.

Moving on, the show at the Drake Hotel on monday went real good. I should play after video art more, because it seems to lower people's enjoyment standards so far as to make my comedy look like the second coming of Ben Franklin. Whatever that means. I'm gonna try and do more jokes at the drake more often. Audiences have been really cool lately. Jer Finkelstein di some comedy too, and it went well, with a decently told joke with a punchline that was funny. That place is weird. I like it, but at the same time I am so annoyed by it. I like it because I want to be a yuppie. I am annoyed by it because everybody there seems to be on drugs I can't afford, be it delicious food and drink, or cocaine or delightfully expensive prescription meds. I do like the $2 photo booth though.
My pal Clarrie made a poster for L'Afterparty, and my next entry will be that poster in JPEG form.
And remember to go to my upcoming shows:

Thursday, July 1:
A short set at Rancho Relaxo during the 1000 songs evening. 'Tis
also free. Then afterward I'll see if I can do something at the Poor Alex's Ryan Horwood-led comedy night.

Saturday July 3
Brutal Knights, the band I'm in, is playing with Modern Machines, Fucked Up and The Bayonettes at The Fuse room on College St and Lipincott, just east of bathurst. It'll be $5 and probably start at 930 or 10. Please come.

This is the big one...





I'm sad that Olivia Chow lost the election in my area. I would have voted for her if I hadn't been too impatient to wait in the huge line.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Laughing on the Outside

I currently have a copy of "Laughing on the Outside", an unauthorised John Candy biography by Martin Knelman, sitting next to my computer.
It's for reading when waiting for this rickety macintizosh to "boot up", as they call it in the biz. The book is a fascinating read, although the unauthorisedness of it leads to many anecdotes of Candy slighting friends without details provided or even a rudimentary defense of his actions. Unfair to Candy.
Also, I guess Knelman doesn't know the world's #1 rule-"if you are heavy and funny, you're allowed to be an asshole, because you will die young."
I am so tired right now. Got some work to do this weekend, and then more and more shows, and yet less and less money. Basically, the point of this entry is to remind all readers that John Candy is funny. As Rumsfeld might say, mission accomplished.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Dale Earnheardt lost the race war

How come that was never a subject on Win Ben Stein's Money? I am bushed right now. My friends Allyson and Erin got in from America on monday, and I've been alternately working at stuff and lazing, as is my wont.
Did comedy opening for Burning last night and had a blast. This upcoming tour with Neil Hamburger weighs heavily on my already fat mind; I need to somehow travel lots and have places to stay; so far the only place that I have no prospects in is Hoboken, NJ.
I'm really looking forward to joking for Americans. Their stupid malleability will allow me to control them via my JFK impressions.
It's a lovely day so I'm gonna get off the comp, but a quick recap of upcoming shows:

Thursday, June 24--An appearance at the Hot Box Cafe round 8. Then Rancho Relaxo around 930 or 10. First show is $5, second is PWYC.

Monday, June 28--Drake Hotel--Notes From The Underground-Doing Standup-$2. More details soon.

Sunday, June 27--Last night of the play I'm in at the Oasis, Short Plays of a Curious Nature. It's $5 and starts at 8. It should be fun.

July 3-Ania's on Queen St. W, next to suspect--Brutal Knights are playing with a few bands. Be dere.

Plus there will probably be a myriad of open mics as well, but you may want to skip those unless forced to attend, ie you are me.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Hamil"tons o fun"

I had a good time in Hamilton. Four drink tickets, some money, and a new style that is my new favourite:
DJing with a mic in front of me and occasionally doing comedy. I want to do this once a week in Toronto. If anybody knows where I can I'd be very excited to be told. I think this is the newest, bestest idea ever.
There was nothing quite like playing a slowed down, screwed up version of 3 6 Mafia's Ridin Spinners before delving into my anti-gypsy routine.
Hurray Hamilton, and Hoorah for Hamilton booker Brodie.
Tonight I plan on being the matchmaker who hooks up Kanye West and Hilary Duff for a sped-up soul sample of a one night stand.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

saturday is true hump day

I WISH! I rarely hump on saturdays, actually. It's supposed to be a day of recreation, and I consider sexualness to be work, so none of that, thank you. It's really more of a tuesday thing for me.
Sadly, I went to get another $15 fifteen minute massage yesterday. At this stage I'd like to think it's a legitimate place of backrubbery, but doubts are beginning to cloud my mind. For instance, often during the massage, the masseuse's long hair would often drag against the length of my back, almost sensually.
That, to me, is a bit more erotic than your average doctor approved back fixin'.

I'm listening to Proof from D12's new solo album, and it rules pretty good. I am impressed, Mr.Proof.
I'm doing comedy at the Casbah in Hamilton tonight, I THINK. Who really knows? I'm very non plussed at the moment. However, on the huge plus side, I have secured a tour with Neil Hamburger in early july, so I really couldn't be happier. Actually, now that I think of it, this week will rule!

Tuesday June 22nd:

I'm DJing! My friend Erin aka DJ Classic Bar Music is also sharing duties with me. It will ruleth.
It's at the Silver Dollar. Show up at 10 or something and get shitfaced. 5 Dolla, but let me know and I'll see what I can do about the 'jest list'.

Thursday June 24th

8 PM-Hot Box Cafe in Roach O Rama--MAD LAFFS DONE BY ME. $5. You are stoned.

10 PM-I'm at Rancho Relaxo opening up for The Bicycles and Fox The Boombox

I don't know what else I'm doing...more shows I guess. I am downcast, but only at this very moment, and presumably after the dogfuck that this Hamilton show will probably be.

Again, on the plus side, I'm going to the MMVA afterparty tomorrow, so perchance I'll blow a celeb.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Days of ice cream, guiltless fatness, and unlimited cum

So far this summer has been beautiful. I've been doing comedy sets if various lengths and amount of laughs, but it's been altogether fun.
My friend Jeremy's play Cocklength at the Drake was a huge blast of fun that was both hilarious and honest, but mostly hilarious. Then the Brutal Knights show was also fun and rocking. I threw water and beer onto the audience, and our smash hit Filthy U was weel received. The only problem is our guitarist's guitar exploded.
Dan Burke also capped his delightful turn in Cocklength by fighting the sound guy at the Silver Dollar because he wouldn't let Dan turn up the Ohio Players.
I think that small anecdote rules. My friends from San Francisco are coming to town next week and I'm very excited.

Doing comedy tonight at the Poor Alex, tomorrow at Gorilla Monsoon's on Queen West at 9 30, then at the house party, then in Hamilton on saturday, and then on Monday at the Gladstone at 9 30, and then on tuesday at the Silver Dollar with Burning and DJing on the 22nd...
and then like three times on the 24th...the friggin' laughs do not stop, even if they are wanted to be stopped.

Do I have any other funny stories to share? Oh, I don't know. Dan Burke ate lunch with me on tuesday, the day of Cocklength. He bought me a pulled pork sandwiches.
Eating sandwiches with a notoriously gross-faced, noble, lost and horrific booker is quite the time, let me just say. Thank you for letting me just say.
Keep on being my friends. Thanks!

Monday, June 14, 2004


Once again, I give you an unrelated but eye-catching subject heading. I don't really think Michael Moore is a stupid. I think he is merely a fat.

So week two of "5 Short Plays of a Curious Nature" went down yesterday, and it was fine. Everybody was tired, and I was just happy I didn't forget any lines. I really enjoy this acting bullshit. It's like taking a vacation as a job, except the vacation is with excitable fools as fellow travelers. I'm being the theatre person high school never allowed me to be, and it's giving me a half bone.

I just sent in a bunch of CD reviews and am semi-satisfied with myself. Never a good way to be. The Brutal Knights show on saturday was true blast, in the literal sense of the word. A blast to the nose! A blast of bad smell from Planet Kensington, into the mouths and nostrils of all in attendance.
It actually did go pretty well, especially for a first show. People were having fun and the band played super-tight. My voice was a bit shot/shoddy, but my charisma of 18 won over the punx.

Thanks to the resourceful Steve Himmelfarb, I'm now set up to play a show on the 24th at Rancho Relaxo with The Bicycles and a bunch of other rad projects. It should be real fun, real real fun. Actual fun. Whoooo!

And also I'll be doing some comedy at the Drake on June 28th as part of some kind of art/video/music showcase event that costs two ballers to get in.

I'm out beyatches. Catch ya later!

Thursday, June 10, 2004

"Blogkick" Me Jesus

Today I reek of B.O. It is a terrible thing. Last night I rehearsed musically and sort of lost my voice, which seems to be a trend for me when I practice music.
I wonder if my body sweats more to tell me my voice is lost? That would be weird.
I also have had like four people refer to me as 'eccentric' of late. Is this a compliment, a codename for gay, or both of those things?
After losing my voice yesterday, I decided the right thing to do would be to lose some money as well. So I went and visited my friend Jaime and we went to a bar where there would supposedly be cheap drinks.
These drinks were once $3, but upon our arrival we realised the price had been upped to $4, and considering they weren't giving quarters as change, often a dollar was the de rigeur tip, meaning drinks were ultimately five dollars. Not toooooooooo pricey I suppose, but far from a bargain.
That's the kind of stuff that makes me want to die and think that life is ultimately bullshit. I guess we all have buttons that suck when pushed! Mine are high price buttons!

I really should lay off the exclamation points. I'm thinking of writing a joke about how whenever I write emails to people whose first language isn't english, I tend to employ the use of more exclamation points. Why is that? The reason will inevitably wind up the punchline.

You may have noticed I've been subtly leaning the wording of this entry so that I could easily segue into discussion of comedy and upcoming events I'm rocking. So let's begin.

First off, I think I'm gonna go to the Poor Alex tonight at 9 30 and try to get some comedy done. Not 100% sure of it yet, but if you're in the nabe, drop by.

Then on saturday it's the Brutal Knights, Bush League, Bayonettes show aqt Planet Kensington.
On sunday I think I'll do comedy at Einstein's, after I perform in this play that we're doing at the Oasis at 745. Come down if you'd like!It's $5.

Then on Monday, the 14th, I'll be doing more comedy at Oasis. I think the show is PWYC or free, and after my set there I'm gonna head to the fuse room on the north side of college near bathurst and do more comedy.

Then tuesday Brutal Knights play with Burning and Don Cash at the Silver Dollar.

All this advertising of my shit is tuckering me the fuck out. That's why I'm swearing so much. I do that when I'm tuckered out.
I love you all.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Saturday Night

Yeah, so I'm here and it's saturday night, and I didn't really leave the house. A strenuous practice has strained my vocal cords somewhat, and in true typical bullshit life fashion, I have a play to perform tomorrow. Either I'll need to scrounge up an understudy or I'll sound a lot like Kathleen Turner circa the part in V.I Warschowski where she hits the bottle again.
I watched saturday night live tonight and found two things funny. It was sad. Later on, there was a Norm Macdonald-era episode and I yukked majorly during his update.
My friend Steph is sleeping on a futon here by my computer. She's visiting Portland this week. What a lucky dame.
So this week was pretty good. Did comedy twice. Partied a myriad of times. And now on a saturday night, I decided the right thing to do would be to binge eat and then watch CSI with my friend.
I'd never seen CSI before and liked it, but afterward I was left with the ultimate feeling of having wasted my time on something that doesn't love me. Also, today David Caruso's face reminded me oddly of recently deceased Canadian press icon Brian "Brock" Linehan. It odded me out.
I've got a bunch of work to do this weekend and a ton of other stuff to do as well, and the shit is freaking me out. I lost a piece of paper that contained my detailed plans to become a celeb. It was all laid out. Now I have to resort to plan B: blow everybody.

Hey! It's checklist of my past week time!

1. Saw Mean Girls-check
2. Boner for one quarter of the cast-check
3. Movie worth price of admission-lack of check
4. Movie enjoyed by people who went to movie with me-check
4. Others' enjoyment of movie triggered inexplicable resentment on my part-check
5. Performed comedic impressions onstage-check
6. Impressions impressed- not check
7. Impressions tolerated-check
8. Told outdated jokes to lesbians-huge check
9. Impressed lesbians-uncheck
10. Milos Kundera-Czech
11. Circumsised units on dudes-not Czech
12. Listened to Kid Rock's album Devil Without a Cause twice-Check please!
13. Enjoyed album and felt justified in supporting Kid Rock--triple check!!!

I'm gonna go listen to Gene Simmons new solo album, Asshole.
The bio that I read says the album is a genre-buster, including 'neo psychedelia, beatlesesque pop, thrash, rap, and even power ballads'.
Yes, 'even power ballads'.
OK, I told you all that lyrics were forthcoming, and they are. Here is one.


I'm sorry boss, I'm late for work
I had to snowboard the everglades
then I ate sushi while playing halo online
with virtual dudes and babes
then I two-way'd my dealer, Ray
we snarfed coke off razor blades
watching "Bumfights" while at a rave
smoking 'wet' with southern rappers at a rave

Gambling with sherpas--Extreme Lifestyle
Battling herpes--Extreme Lifestyle
Surfing On Volcanos extremely
On peyote wrestling water buffalos extremely

I like to drink chocolate martinis while rock climbing
while wearing a bearskin fur coat without perspiring
boulder punching contest with Vin Deisel
Skateboarding backwards, after injecting myself with measles
Ollying the universe, my blood is mountain
there's a digital clock inside my shoe
watching "bumfights" at a rave
smoking with southern rappers at a rave

rpt. Gambling with...end

Yaaaaaaaay! EL04 is such fun song. Maybe I tell you of days past in a few hours. Until then, please surf on a volcano extremely for me.