Sunday, May 30, 2004

Have you checked out yet?
It's such a most radical website; I discovered it months and months ago when it was just Richard Pryor's blog, but now it's updated, and you can download hilarious audio, order some awesome Pryor product, check out tons of cool photos from his personal collection, read his online diary(containing such gem lines as 'George W Bush looks like he hasn't got pussy since the last time he did a line'), and indulge in discourse on a message board with his wife Jennifer Lee-Pryor and other "Pry-heads", as they're called. It is currently my favourite thing about the internet.
The bullshit MS disease is hard for him, but he's still a sharp and hilarious guy.

As for me, my friend Eunice is in town, and we're having fun. That may be a lie. Actually, I think I'm showing her a horrific time.
Yesterday, I took her to the Adam Macfawn birthday roast at The Old York Tavern, where the delightful Pee On Me(hotly representin'!) and her pals and family were the main audience, and it had enough harsh moments for me to question the validity of comedy in general.
I wanted to go to various indie concerts and events also occuring yesterday, but this roast wound up taking longer than I thought. Still, it was A.M's b-day, and he is a nice man who I was glad to see the man turn 32.

Other things of note: the smoking of opiates, my friendly neighbourhood coffee shop, The Green Room, freaking out visitors, humourous polaroids being taken of my cat, platonic spooning, the combination smell of antiperspirant and perspiration, and unfulfilled promises of watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs.
I have some bullshitty work to do. Working makes me so angry. At the top of this entry is a picture of Eunice and me and her pal Dan whilst in "The City".

I'll write more about the shows maybe in a lil tiny while. I can't wait to play with grungy upstarts the Catheters at some Loft party tomorrow. I feel so hip playing at a loft.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004


Just wanted to grab your attention. It's 3 PM, I'm in my bathrobe and it's a weekday.
Something seems wrong that this is my daily lifestyle. Perhaps depressed? But why?
Maybe it's because of the Mideast situation. Maybe after I masturbate I'll discover the reason.
My May 2-4 was alright, but kinda too broke to be fun. Still, I drank a Mai Thai at some point and that was good.
Also told jokes. At least I think they were jokes. So many other dudes were telling jokes that night that i don't even remember my gags. I may have said something about cats with scabies.

I really want to write a work of fiction--maybe I should start with the 2000 election? Hahahaha. Ehhhh.

Here's some shows I be playing soon. Comment and let me know if I should print my Brutal Knights lyrics up in herrre.

Thursday-8 PM-Hot Box Cafe-Roach O Rama-Kensington Market-$5

Thursday 10 PM-Poor Alex-Brunswick south of bloor-PWYC

Saturday-Opening for Adam Mcfawn around 9@The Old York on Tecumseth south of King

Monday, May 31-The Loft-1266 Queen st. W-Buzzer 1-Opening for The Catheters, who rock, and The Sour Keys as well as Look What You Did

I'm also setting up mad june and July shows. It's all very fucking exciting. Sweet words about those coming right up, beeytches.

Friday, May 21, 2004

Right now I should be eating lunch at a Velvet Revolver press conference, but instead I'm just in my house, scared to leave. I fear the outside world, because it makes me want to smoke.
Also, how on Earth could I possibly tear myself away from listening to the new Lionel Richie album "Just for You"? I couldn't.
Hey, if you went to the Poor Alex in hopes to see some comedy of mine, you were probably stymied, as I did not perform last night. I am booked for next week though. So, to break it down, here's some upcoming shows:

Sunday May 23-Old York Tavern-930 PM start-free-south of King on Tecumseth
This is another semi-open mic, so expect a lot of comedians, and probably a Holly Jones joke. I think comedians like to dare themselves to tell stuff like Holly Jones jokes to make them feel like 'yeah I could be edgy if I wanted to. I have no fear!'
I actually think most of my tasteless jokes are meant to highlight our fears and not show that I have none. Doth that make sense? I wouldn't even know how to write a Holly Jones joke. I do have a friend who accidentally ate cake while sitting on her memorial spot outside of a church.
I guess I digressed. More shows:

Roach-O-Rama-Kensington Mkt-Thursday May 27-8PM-$5
The last time I was there, it was odd but fun. The kind of place that has one sketchy heckler shouting non-sequiters, which somehow highlights the comedian's unecessary role in society.

That same day...

Poor Alex Theatre-Brunswick south of Bloor-Thursday May 27-10 PM-PWYC-
I like this room, and it's near my house. Perhaps this is true of you also? Probably the funniest booked open stage in the city at the moment, but I have a bad sense of humour so what do I know?

The Loft-somewhere on Dufferin-opening for THE CATHETERS and THE SOURKEYS-$6-9PM-Sunday May 31
Excited about this one. A rock show. I like the Catheters. Have no idea what or where exactly the Loft is, but as long as there is brew present I will burp.

I did a set at an open mic the other night. It was well received. I hate the atmosphere of most open mics. I really think it should be illegal to have more than five comedians in the same room at the same time. The thing I hate about comedians is they all either obviously cry too much or not at all.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

I got a massage for fifteen dollars today. Unfortunately, the only thing it made erect was my posture, and not even for long.
I'll be doing a set on wednesday the 19(tomorrow) around 10 PM at the ancient thai(i think it's been since renamed), which is on queen street, east of tecumseth and west of niagara on the south side, at an open mic.
Admission is gratuit. As of now, no jokes for it have been writ.

Monday, May 17, 2004

I, Douchebag

Weblogs are strictly for douchebags. So, is it a coincidence that I have one?
Sadly, no. I, douchebag.

To wit:

1. I have slapped a girl before. That's a technical foul!It definitely goes in the basket filled with reasons why I'm a douchebag.

2. I can't hold my alcohol.

3. I'm a music critic. Case closed! The only thing more douchebaggy than being a music critic is being a white musician. Wait, I'm that too. Huge douche.

4. I claim to be a white musician and yet I know not how to play any instruments. Basically, my musical training consists of knowing how to count. Also, not white but half Jewish. I think that renders me some sort of mulatto!

Commentz or questionz?

Saturday, May 15, 2004

I am allergic to jobs. OK, that's not true. The truth is that most jobs are allergic to me, and to my particular ways and foibles.
I worked as an assistant to a famed booker in my hometown of T-Dot, and I did that OK, but the pay was sporadic at best.
Then I got this writing job, and I feel like I'm pretty decent at the writing part, but semi-shoddy at the 'getting facts straight and doing the artist you're writing about/reviewing justice' department.
In between those two jobs, I had a three day stretch as a telemarketer that failed.
And now, onto my newest flop.

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine got me a job at a bar she worked at. I worked four shifts, and was ready to work my fifth today(truthfully, shitting my pants hoping it would rain so I wasn't needed, because I prefer not to leave the house if I don't have to),
when I received a phone call from my boss informing me that he was 'letting me go', because it 'just wasn't working out', even though I'm a 'nice guy'.
This event is a good reminder that it is bad to count your chickens before they're hatched, and more than that, I think it proves that one should never try to do anything ever.

I have some shows coming up comedically. Also, the band I'm in has, I believe, chosen a name. We have taken the nom de plume Brutal Knights. Huzzah!
Here's when I'm comedying:

Old York Tavern-930 PM-Sunday May 23rd. Located just south of King on Tecumseth Street.

The Loft-Monday, May 31-Opening for The Catheters and The Sour Keys. I'm excited about this one. Hopefully the crowd doesn't boo my shit right the hell off the stage.

Also, I guess I'm looking for part-time work again. So, send me your resume tips! And there's a job opening at Blue Meaney's. Get on top of it, slackers!