Monday, December 27, 2004

Show me the shows! Show me more of the shows!

I was remiss yesterday, and neglected to mention a couple of shows occuring late in January. I am also sure that Brutal Knights will be performing at some point in January, I just know not when. Here's some more comedy nights though:

Friday, January 21st: Canker Comedy Night@ Oasis, $5
featuring Megan Fraser, Mack Larenz, me, Joseph Ross and Jared Sales & Daryn Mcintyre.

Sunday, January 23rd: as part of Goodie Bag TV's night of comedy@ Clinto's, $5.

That is all for now.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Box Day

OK, so yesterday I wrote my sad thoughts on L'Afterparty while under the influence of a severe bout of Christmas day depression. Today I am slightly better. All in all, the only things that hurt about L'Afterparty was that my final set was so shitty and that didn't have a million-dollar profit. OK, upon writing that, I realise those facts still hurt. I'm going to make up for it by leaving the house and buying something nice for somebody--the one present I'm buying this year.

Here's some upcoming shows I'm playing:

December 31@Thymeless, $5: I'm doing comedy and the countdown for New Year's at Doing It To Death, another place where an awfully received comedy set by me has occured, alongside a band that includes most of the Creeping Nobodies, No Dynamics, and 'wonderful'-man band BBQ. This is the place to be for New Year's Eve if you are trying to be cheap and cool!

Joke Club@Drake Hotel, January 4th. $5 Here's the flyer:

Also playing are white-belted Wavelength regular and cartoonist Matt Collins, David Dineen-Porter and Mister Anonymous. I have 25 guest list spots open. Let me know if you'd like to go free!

January 16th: Old York Tavern anniversary show@ The Old York Tavern. Free! One of my favourite open mics celebrates its second anniversary, and I'll be there to help. Huzzah.

January 17th: Alt Comedy Lounge@The Rivoli, PWYC, 830. I'm scheduled to appear at the Alt Dot, which is always an exciting and fun thing for me. As the Scottish might say, I 'cannae wait'.

There are other shows coming up to! And then in February...west coast tour.

Hey! I got a nice mention in Eye Magazine's(a Toronto weekly) standup roundup. Here's what Joel Mcconvey said in regard to me:
"Deadpan meta-riffer Nick Flanagan likely won't be playing amphitheatres anytime soon but his continuing transformation into the bastard son of Neil Hamburger and Stephen Wright is both puzzling and hilarious (if in a mildly uncomfortable way) to watch."

Hopefully I play an amphitheatre soon. My mother didn't like that part, or the 'uncomfortable' part, but then again, she's never seen me play, so what she really know ('bout my dirty mouth)?

Looks like 2005 is gonna be shittily busy...maybe this is the year where I actually won't need a day job. To quote ALF: HA!

Saturday, December 25, 2004


I'm eating an orange and banana right now. My parents are letting me eat from their cupboard as a Christmas present. I find this very generous, especially considering that one of them is Jewish. So far here is my Christmas gift tally:

from god: a good night's sleep

I also got two pieces of Garfield paraphenelia and a dvd. This afternoon we're heading somewhere to eat turkey. I like turkey.
Thanks to everybody who came by to L'Afterparty. I basically had a shitty time. Somebody left a bra. Dan Burke's performance was the most memorable thing. The set I did at the end was the least memorable thing, Happy xmas?

I've decided to elaborate on what I thought of L'Afterparty. First of all, I was very pleased with the turnout. It was wonderful. Also, The Bicycles, Andre Skinner, 4th Pyramid and all the comedians were all cool and good. I basically hate MCing--although I think I did an alright job at tit. I also hate that I had to pay a band Dan booked who were totally unecessary to the night. They were fine, but when they asked to go on earlier than I wanted, I capitulated and allowed them to; I did this because I am a pushover. By the time they finished, everybody I knew had left. Then I did a comedy set and nobody cared. I also had four shitty and drunk hecklers who were brutal at heckling(saying things a la 'oh my god! that doesn't even make SENSE!?!' to cringingly punctuate my jokes) and much less funny than me, which is depressing. I lost what faith I had in my set that night and cut it short. Plus, I made less money at the show than I would have if I'd agreed to play somebody else's show. I hate to whine, but I'm just starting to worry about having funds at the ready for this tour. I wish I had another skill so I could just stop doing this. And by 'this', I mean blogging. What happened to the people who said they would come but didn't? I'm not trying to complain to you for not going. There were just a couple of people I was hoping to see, who it seems couldn't make it. If you were playing with a dog instead of going to this show, then that is a fine reason not to have gone.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

So L'Afterparty occurs this evening. I could be a bit comedically sloppy, but on the other hand, it will be a fun time. I'll share a secret with all of you blog-readers: I have no planned DJ. I forgot to get one. I think I'll just put on a Son Seals CD--he just died and it's at a blues bar. Anyway, here's an informal set list for the show tonight:

945: Introductory notes.

950: jokes

10 PM: Deborah Robinson

1015: Musical surprise!

1030: James Marshall

1050: Andre Skinner

1110: Tim Nasiopolous

1130: Bicycles

12: Flanagan

1230: Surprise band!

The surprise band is this dude Dylan Goodhue's band. Dan Burke arranged that they would play. Now he's trying to get this act called Boy Ballz, who I really know very little about, to play--and I'm not that stoked about it. Anyway, here are some lyrics to the newest Brutal Knights song 'self-gay handjob', which concerns the inherent homosexuality of self-satisfaction . I'll have Flanagan T-Shirts & pins available at the show, and there will also be Brutal Knights live at CIUT cds for$5.


I gayly frisk my crotch five plus seven times a week
bravely play with gender roles by overdoing myself

self-gay handjob
is the best job
self-gay handjob
is a messy job
but somebody's gotta do it

my friends say it is bad to do
I say 'look in the mirror, you'
I myself look in the mirror while jerking
to make sure I get treated right
I am top and I am bottom
self-abuse gets me through depressing autumn

self-gay handjob
I need a rest job
self-gay handjob
is a depressy job
but somebody's gotta do it

Sunday, December 19, 2004

I No Understand

I'm listening to an MP3 of a Bill Hicks show I've never heard before. It's totally 'larious(I think you know what I mean). It's got lots of stuff I've heard on it, but sometimes he took on exactly the right tone and phrased things in such a good way that you can't help but look past the fact that it's comedy from the 1980s.

The show we played last night was fairly cool. We played alright, but guitarist Jon's gear was constantly getting unplugged--a frustrating thing. Other guitarist Katie held it down enough though. Cinecycle is a decent enough venue, but we could have used better sound. Who can't use better sound, I ask you? Booker Dan Burke showed up and we played our song about him while he went on to everybody around him about Boy Ballz, the band that plays the silver dollar monday who he is cashing all his chips on. If only he had faith in L'Afterparty...

I'm interviewing my comedian friend Gilson Lubin in a short while, and am brutally trying to come up with questions. I'm still not dressed, wearing my bathrobe and feeling hungover from the weekend. I drink beer, but it feels like it's melting my stomach and throat when I drink it. Is that normal? I passed a gas that smelled for twenty minutes. Come to l'afterparty thursday. Bring pals. Do you want to DJ?

Saturday, December 18, 2004

I am Non-Consensually Blogging

This is totally a forced example of bloggery. I have nothing to talk about. Do you know what I've done this week? Stayed in and cleaned some of my room. Yes, that is right--I only stayed in some of my room. I went nowhere near my shitty closet. For a whole week. I'm pretty proud of that fact.

Brutal Knights has a show today at a place called Cinecycle. It's $7 and with a whack of good bands. We're playing at 11....

L'Afterparty is at the Silver Dollar on thursday. Maybe this band the Bicycles are playing. I am tiiiiiiiiiiired.

Monday, December 13, 2004

One Wing to Rule Them All

And that wing is the honey garlic dipped 2.99 jumbo wing available at all participating Wing Machines. It tastes like 'good shit'. I'm listening to the music of some fellow named Jobriath right now. His music reminds me of that horrible, awful, terrible movie called Velvet Goldmine, but is better. I have a set at the gladstone hotel tonight. Not looking forward toward it, because I'm not feeling well today. Come to l'afterparty if you want to--it'll be super rad. I don't feel so good. Bye.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

It's Wednesday night. I'm at home. This is wonderful, but I don't know how long it will last. So the second edition of Joke Club occurred yesterday, and with a paid attendance of 15, the night had certain depressing elements. Even so, I thought a lot of the comedians had good material and were funny, and that Becky Johnson's job as my fact-checker was well done, especially considering how little preparation I gave her to work with. Mike Balazo's turn as Oliver Christmas was also very funny, as was my old bro-in-arms Tim Nasiopolous and his greeky ways. Still, I would love it if people would start going to some of these events, as they are fun. I'll try to make them funner. How can they be funner? Should I even bother having a L'Afterparty on December 23rd? Will anybody go? The lineup is looking good so far, with three musical acts, me, and three comedy makers.

Tomorrow I think I'll write some new material and perform it at the Hot Box Cafe. Then I will indulge in some freelance writing. I'm trying to save money to get to California in February, and it's tough. Once I get my plane ticket I'll feel a bit more relaxed, but until then I am a nervous nelly. Monday the 13th I am playing at the gladstone hotel, and then the 18th Brutal Knights is playing at Cinecyle with numerous ramjammers, to use a phrase my friend Daniella used before I did.

Played a bunch of shows last week. That's probably why nobody showed at Jokey Club. Probably not, actually---considering one of them had about 10 people, the other featured me as minor player, a third was an unattended open mic, and the fourth one was at a full Oasis. One might say I shot my load there, performing for about a half hour, but at the same time it wasn't to an overabundance of people. Oh well. I'll figure this out one day. Although I wish I didn't have to, and had somebody booking shows that would draw people who haven't seen me before but would like me.

Special thanks go to Dan Goodman and Steve Rees, who came from PA just to make sixty dollars and be treated apathetically by people who comedians consider 'hipsters', but I prefer to consider 'the bored,drunk or stoned'. They spent one night at casa Flan, and what can I say but 'now everything reeks'.

Comments or questions? Abortion views?

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Je, tu, internet

I was just in Montreal, so I feel bold about my pretentiousness at the moment. Montreal was fun! Music was played. Crowd surfery was indulged in. Friendship bracelets were passed out and old pals were run into. I ate fries more than once.

Hey loooooook....I changed my silly-billy website!

We played a house party on friday and things got broken, but nobody got laid because 'twas in Ottawa. Actually I think a zine got laid...onto the ground, forgotten.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

The Boy Are Back In Ye Olde Town

As Larry David once said, I'm back baby! And I have shows. And I'll write about the past week in a bit. But check the shows:

I'm opening up for sketch duo Mr.Francis at Clinton's(693 Bloor Street) this sweet night. Other comedians are also playing. It'll be great!!!? PWYC

I'll be doing 5-10 minutes of jokes at Paddy Murphy's on Queen Street West. It used to be the ancient, and it's just west of tecumseth street.


To celebrate the release of my friend Zach Worton's comic called Corpse, I'll be MCing a fun night in the back room of the Oasis, accompanied by the tunes of Matt Masters and DJ Heavy Early. It's also pay what you can! It starts round 9 30. You are INVITED!


Brutal Knights plays alongside The Leather Uppers, Boyfriend Material and Montreal's Demon Claws!!! At cinecycle! More info TBA!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I Am On The Internet. Are you? probably yes

Again I find myself here in Montreal, listening to the constant whistles of the many French here. Why do they whistle so much? They must have a song in their hearts. That song is called "Fuck America". What is your song called?
Mine is called "Teen Sex". Here are the lyrics:

So many people pressured into premature intercourse
whether it's from uncle, boyfriend or butler
it's a good thing
it makes you more mature

have teen sex
have it everywhere
you won't enjoy it
but it will teach you
you will learn of birds and bees
if you do it
so do it

repeat verse 1

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Feelin' Like a Snail In the Ocean

Tuesday's gone with the wind, and now we are at wednesday. What a great weekday. Maybe even the best one, because friday is too much of an abrupt transition from work to play, although I can't say I have much personal experience with a routine like that. For me, monday is like tuesday in terms of workload, and saturday is like thursday. It's confusing and not worth elaborating on. This past week has been busy and fast, but not as much as I would have liked it to be. I went to a mod party on friday and all I can say is 'yeah baby!!?'.

Did some comedy last night at the Gladstone Hotel. Comedy is the most joyless thing. Although I saw a guy who was fairly funny, so that was a plus. I don't want to boff him but I appreciate funniness. The other joyless thing beyond comedy that is happening in my life is that the song Don't Call Me White by NOFX is playing on my computer right now. NOFX make me understand the phrase 'snotty'.

Brutal Knights' show with Illuminati went well. The aforementioned band(as well as Goat Horn) rocked well, and I took my shirt off, which made people in the crowd less fat and more randy. It looks like we'll be playing with my friends BBQ and King Khan in January around Ontario so that is some exciting shit. And of course this saturday Brutal Knights rocks Clinton's alongside Bayonettes, Career Suicide, Sick Fits and another band whose name is being forgotten by me as I speak to you, and it's $5.
And of course tonight I MC a show that's pay what you can at Sneaky Dee's. Here's the lineup:
Piney Wolves
No Dynamics

Go go go! It starts at 9.

Tomorrow BK open up for the Constantines in Sudbury. I hope our payment is a giant nickel. The next Joke Club is tuesday december 7. It will be vainglorious.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Chingy's new record and the sociopolitical ramifications of his self-induced exile from Ludacris' Disturbing Tha Peace crew

Today I'm watching more stuff to review, sending out emails and waiting for my friend to come back so we can finish the last details of this Teen Crud Combo LP that's finally coming out. It's so ludicrous to be putting out an unknown band's small amount of tunes four years after we broke up, but at least pals around the world have been keeping our name out there amongst at least four people. Joke Club went well the other night. It should turn out to be a pretty rad event. Hopefully next time will be both more rad and more funny. Makesi Arthur and Sara Hennesey were the highlights of the night for me, but he always is. Props must also go to my faux sister Val Flanagan. If this all seems like "inside talk" to you, then perhaps you should have gone and would now be getting all the arcane references I am making as you read this.

I'm playing a free show at the gladstone with some fun enough comics on monday. It's gonna be OK times, I'm sure of it. Actually, somewhat sure.

I need to wash my pants.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Super Wednesday!

Joke Club tonight! I shittily MC. Talented folk will perform. It should be a blizast. I'm writing reviews in a mad hectic stylee 'write' now, and it's driving me nutso-bonkers. Why have I not seen the film Sgt.Kabukiman, NYPD yet? I cannot believe I call myself a cineaste and don't have that on my watched-movie resume. I have also added difficult-to-read show listing to what is technically known as 'the sidebar' of this blog, but which I refer to as 'the left part'. Maybe one day I'll learn the internet code and be able to make the left part look wonderful, but not today, misters.

I saw Zeke last night--guitarist and singer Blind Marky Felchtone rocked a shirt of my old band and shouted us out. That was cool! Then I drank four beers and had a shot of jagermeister and went home and dry heaved and shat.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Partying Down or Downwardly Partying?

Sorry about the lack of posting lately. I've been busily celebrating the Bush win with all my pals back in my hometown of Alberta. We've just been driving a tank up and down Edmonton's main drag and trying to find the easiest way to secede from Canada, and join our down-homehunter-gatherer patriot idols south of the border. We think the easiest way is to fart it up at the same time and get kicked out of the country for having a province that smells. No, but seriously, isn't it great that Bush got in? I really think it will force people to act more. And I'm right--a guy KILLED HIMSELF to make a point that it's shitty that Bush won. It's actually going to be interesting to see how people take this victory; as an impetus to act out and protest even more, or as a crushing defeat that necessitates a willful ignorance of politics for the next few years. I'm certainly going to follow the latter path, which is extremely lame considering the election has little do with me.

Anyway, I wasn't really in Alberta last week. I was in Montreal and it was fun. I'm learning a lot about buses due to my visits there. The bagels are good in Montreal.
Brutal Knights have played some shows in the last little while. Last week we killed it at Wavelength, as did Fucked Up, who were "pumpkin-riffic". We dressed as Slipknot. Find pics at

The next day we played at the Horseshoe with the Soledad Brothers, American friends who were very depressed the following day due to election horror. The show was good though and they rocked and we kinda rocked too. Our single's coming out soon.
Then last night we played at Dovercourt House for our friend Sian's birthday. It was really really fun. Good times. The show at Tim Sims Playhouse went well too. I hadn't played there before, and had an extremely pratfallish entrance and exit. I slid underneath the curtain in a snakelike fashion once my name was announced, and when I said goodbye I tripped over the mic cord and knocked the mic to the ground, but then it righted itself. Weird stuff. Knock Knock Who's There? Comedy! were great, too. They are four hilarity owners.

So many shows coming up, but the big one is Joke Club on November 10th, this coming wednesday.
Iron Cobra
Katie Crown
Mack Lawrenz
Sara Hennesy
Mack Lawrenz
Makesi Arthur

MC Flanagan
Here's the flyer:

I'll try to be more swift with "BLOGGING" in the future. I know you miss these needless words of mine.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004


I opened up for the Unicorns the other day, at known industrial goth bar The Vatikan. I dressed as Weird Al Yankovic. I hope somebody took a picture. It was packed, all the bands were good, and enough of the audience liked my jokes to make me happy. I really like telling my damn jokes. So please don't try and stop me. Actually, do. Conflict makes the world go round. I have so many shows coming up but no energy to tell you of them. Brutal Knights sunday and monday. Comedy next thursday.

Oh yeah, here's some more from my tour diary.


We left for Baltimore after a night of severe partying down in New York, and the trip was long and costly, with tolls galore draining our limited coffers at every opportunity. I was wearing my Fred Perry white tennis shorts and a pink short sleeve T. We followed Mapquest's directions to the city in search of my friend Eunice's sister Joyce, whom we were stayting with.
Baltimore is a city I have grown fond of without visiting, thanks to John Waters and TV shows like Homicide, The Wire and Oz. This would be my last show with Hamburger, and his type of crowd changed from city to city. Providence brought no crowd, New York brought hip crowds, and Boston brought smart Hamburger fans. But before worrying too much about the show itself, we began to worry about Baltimore itself. Unfortunately, Mapquest isn't classist, and so our path to Joyce's house took us through housing projects that were straight off of the grittiest representations of Baltimore-bunker-style housing that looked the same from block to block, clothes drying on traffic islands, and broken pay phones. We couldn't find Joyce's house and I had neglected to retrieve her phone number, so I couldn't call her. Would we be trapped in Baltimore? To be continued.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Looks like Jigga needs to "Jogga"

The emboldened portion of this weblog entry is based on what I would say if I wrote headlines for rap tabloids and Jay-Z was a fatter personality. The non-emboldened portion is based on what I'm thinking about as I type this. Oh no I hate mondays?!
They are so bad. Worst thing about monday is the fact that there is no Saturday Night Live on monday, and in case you didn't know, SNL is the new platform where Ashlee Simpson is shamed, and that is a good, daresay postively earth-changing "ting".

Look at what SF Weekly had to say about my friends Allyson and Carson's band Parchman Farm, who were runner up best San Fran Hard Rock Band:

Parchman Farm

Far be it from us to quote from a band's official biography, but in the case of Parchman Farm -- whose press release says as much about the group's sense of humor as it does its sound -- it's too hard to resist. Big riffing guitarist Allyson Baker is said to be "a Jewish version of Ted Nugent," hence her nickname, "The Jewge." The spastic bass lines of Carson Binks are called "lead bass, but not in an annoying fretless Les Claypool way or in a nu-metal style." Drummer Chris LaBreche, it is claimed, owes his style to "Grand Funk Railroad drummer Don Brewer." The colorful combination is topped off by ex-Mover frontman and guitarist/singer Eric Shea's gritty yelps, the sort that make you nostalgic for Sabbath, the South, and The Dukes of Hazzard. The group's self-titled debut EP provides us with a heavy dose of psychedelic '70s riffing, with songs that conjure a time when pulling out a lighter at a concert wasn't ironic, mustaches outnumbered goatees, cowbells were a standard part of a drum ensemble, and "heavy metal" bands dressed like Thor. The proficient dual solo attack of bass and guitar, which in most cases would come off as annoying, here works to the band's advantage, strewing heavy gobs of distortion gravy, beneath which LaBreche employs his knowledge of every drum solo Bonzo ever committed to bootleg. "They are like a shark riding on top of an elephant, just stomping and chomping everything in sight," the bio claims -- a truth as accurate as any.

Sweet! And hey guess what? I 'punched up' their bio! 'Punching up' theoretically means 'made funnier'. I love punch ups.
Also, recently I did an online interview for an "E-ZINE" put together by a fellow named Stu who works at a clothing shop by day. Cut and paste this if you want:
I had a bit of a bizay weekend. Friday I embarassed myself to a roomful of uncaring collegiate types at a reggae bar, and then argued with a lady who hated my jokes, but soon grew to love my eyebrows, or non-lack there of. Afterwards and during I partied so heartily, reminding me of days where I did that sort of thing more. Days like last saturday. This past saturday(not to be confused with 'last' saturday), I had the misfortune of seeing Matthew Good do his music to me. Ow. It was being like sodomised in the ear by a demonic baby. I do not speak from experience. An ex-marine described the feeling to me. Then sunday I went to my cousin's wedding and didn't feel Jewish enough, so when nobody was looking I ran to the restroom(I'm trying to get used to saying 'restroom' so that America will accept me more) and tattooed extreme sideburns onto my face and asked Europe to hate me more vociferously. Jogga what jogga who?

Thursday, October 21, 2004

I like culture

I am a cultured man. What I just said is so true; you have no idea how cultured I can be when I turn on my everflowing culture faucet. My cutlery-handling skills makes the great Noel Coward look like a drunk caveman. Dinner repartee of mine is akin to combining the voice of God with the taste of finest Swedish chocolate. After dinner we recline Roman-style upon plush couches the likes of which have never been made yet, and I dole out back and hand massages that have been known to reverse the aging process, sometimes even to babyish levels. Let me be your butler.

More BK lyrics:


Hanging out on doobs, coke and meth
Late at night drinking wine from shoes
Barfing out a disgusting mess
Fell downstairs and got a bruise

it's not fun to be like me dude
it's really fucking stupid
not fun to be wasted and dumb
it's stupid

Hanging out...bruise
Went to the fancy restaurant and ordered calimari
Got food poisoning, chef says he's sorry

it's not...stupid

So I have a show tomorrow, Friday October 22 at Thymeless on College and Augusta. It's $3 and I'm doing a set at Doing It To Death, a night of good-times music. You should go. Why don't you?

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Team America:World Police Is More Enjoyable Than Listening To The Black Crowes

Yes, it's true. I saw the picture earlier today, and laughed. Funny songs and funny puppet movement, and some funny lines. Good times, especially if you enjoyed Orgazmo and Baseketball. The scene I found funniest involves panthers. From what I could tell it wasn't better than the South Park movie. And celebs get brutalised. Yesterday I watched Stoked: The Rise and Fall of Gator, and enjoyed it. I didn't learn or get a boner, but it creeped me out and frustrated me, which are the same sensations I get from both learning and bonering, so it basically was the same, except longer.

I just listed a bunch of upcoming shows in the post below. So none of that show talk, did this week ever go differently than I expected it to. I didn't go to or perform at one Neil Hamburger show this week, and he was touring through my area. Disappointing, but hopefully I'll see him soon. And yes, if you've been following my tale--I was indeed too broke to go play his show in Montreal saturday night. That fact made me sad. I was considering trying to catch him in Hamilton today, but had no ride.

I really have nothing to write now. Here is some more lyrics:


Why does everything cost too much?
I always have to borrow money
just to buy premium zigs
stupid stupid bad society
anarchy, right now, today

shoes cost too much
music cost too much
acne treatment cost too much

Why do travel costing money?
Price of gas so high it's funny
doobie prices are through the roof
look at my receipt, it's proof
anarchy, right now, today

shoes...too much

I am always on the guest list
but drinks at bar still cost too much
why does everything cost too much?
I can't understand why everything costs too much

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

So Fat

Thought I'd drop another Brutal Knights song on y'all, then talk a little bit about a thing we all know and love called "life", and then about a thing I at least know and love called "shows I'm playing".


I'm so stupid, stupid
so stupid for eating bad food
jerky, tacquitos
sev-elev shopping spree
nothing is free

I get so fat
too fucking fat

nothing is free
I eat pieces of shit for breakfast
it adds to waistline and I weep
girls still want to fuck around
but I look like a creep

I get so fat
too fucking fat

There you have it! So fat!!! So true?!?
Thanks to everybody who came out to L'Afterparty. Many the person represented. Not much money was made but the turnout was good, and the comedians all did a great job. Thanks to Gilson Lubin, Joe Ross, Deborah Robinson, Mack Lawrenz, Jared Sales and Daryn Mcintyre for comedically being funny. And thanks to Animal Monster for basically being the star of the night. He was awesome. I still have his discman. And DJ Shit La Merde ruled too. Go see him spin tunez october 29th at Sneaky Dee's, if you dareth. Lots of friends represented to come see me at the show, as did my sister. I can't wait til the next one--the Xmas L'Afterparty at the Silver Dollar. Yes!

Other shows coming right up:

October 27-MCing the Unicorns show at the Vatikan with Noah23, Besnard Lakes and All Purpose Voltage Heroes. It's $8, All ages(so bring your kid) and doors are at 7:30. I'll put whoever gives me a costume idea I use on the guest list. Or will I?

October 31-Brutal Knights, Fucked Up, Corpusse and Awesome at Sneaky Dee's for Wavelength. PWYC...we're playing at 1030.

November 1-Brutal Knights opening up for Detroit's Soledad Brothers at the Horseshoe. This should be a fun party, and if you want on the guest list just let me know.

November 4th--I'll be opening up for Knock Knock Who's There Comedy alongside Laurie Elliott at the Tim Sims theatre at King and...I dunno, Peter? Wherever the second city building is.

November 10th: I'm MCing a new monthly comedy show at the drake called Joke Club. So far the only confirmed guest is Makesi Arthur. So go. Also, Moosehead pitchers for somewhere between $11-$13. Possible other acts: sketch group Iron Cobra, Knock Knock Who's There's Katie Crown doing standup, and the videogame jokes of Mack Lawrenz--and more!

November 13th: Brutal Knights with Illuminati at The El Mocambo! The first time a band I'm in has played the el mo since Dan Burke stopped booking there. Exciting! Make this your saturday!

November 20th: BK with Sick Fits and The Bayonettes at the Oasis--Also make THIS your saturday.

There are more shows beyond that, including a date in Sudbury with the Constantines and Ottawa and Montreal shows with Sick Fits, and the Montreal one featuring Sunday Sinners at Casa, but I don't have the dates handy.

As well, I was supposed to be in New York today, playing with the Paper Bag showcase at CMJ, but one of the label founders recently left and they decided against having my comedy at the show. Not a big deal because I'm broke, but that's where I would rather be. If anybody has good leads on shows to play on the east USA coast with comedy in november and december, let a wigga know. Also, my brokeness leads me to be scared of not being able to play in Montreal on saturday with Neil Hamburger at Casa Del Popolo, even though I really want to. He's playing on thursday in Toronto, and I want you to go to that in town because he's funny.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Quit That Tom"failure"oolery!

I noticed that this week in my "blog" has been a bit whiny. Not good! Honestly, aren't most people whining so much to themselves that it's extra-annoying to hear somebody whine so others can hear? I don't know, but I'll continue to whine if need be. You should too. If everybody spent more time whining about things and less time blowing things up(meaning, motivate themselves into doing something about what they were whining about) then the world would be a better, less exploding place.

Actually, this week has been a bit trying, if only because I've been working toward a few shows that are coming in the next few days(which I'll get to in a hot second--can you believe I'd love it if you went?!?), and the added fact that there's been a lot of bad news coming my about friends and relatives, and Rodney Dangerfield. I haven't been in the laughingest mood, but that's all the more reason to "get laughy". Which I will do. Tomorrow. I also need to relocate somewhere else. I need a long vacation from this hometown of mine. This means I must save, which could be accomplished with more ease if I had more funds, which I must find a way to get. Hmm. My index finger is on my chin as I think over the nuts and bolts of getting money.

Anyway, I am still kind of bummed out about sad stuff, and need some sleep, so I'm going to go. But PLEASE. Check out L'Afterparty on October 8th at Rancho Relaxo--it's PWYC, but free with stamps from other shows. Although I would like money, because I have to go to CMJ to do comedy next week, and I have little money to pay for it. But L'Afterparty will be fun stuff. As will tomorrow's show at Planet Kensington(and the Hot Box Cafe before that)--the PK show is with Jon-Rae and the River. Plus I just found out I'll be doing a set on November 4th with Knock Knock Who's There Comedy at Tim Sims theatre as part of their two-night stand. And organising and MCing a fun night called Joke Club at the Drake on November 10th, where pitchers will be cheap, believe it or not.

So there you go. Now get out there and party down until your balls or vulva hurts too much for you to continue partying. Then sleep.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

They Used To Call Me Fatso, Now They Call Me Castro

I have a meeting in a few minutes. It concerns this DVD I've got to make. Last night I was tossing and turning, wondering and worrying, hoping the damn things turns out awesome. I think I've recovered from the mindfuck I felt over the weekend, but not totally. I got my pathetic paycheque yesterday, put it in my bank account, and somehow had been docked like $35 by my bank. What the fuck? Lately I've been making myself feel down by believing in Worthington's Law--your value as a person is equal to how much money you have. So right now as a person, I'm worth about as much as day-old donuts. On the bright side, I'm not moldy.

Again, Montreal was alright. Did a couple of comedy sets before controller.controller and Jake Fairley, and I guess the crowd slightly turned on me. All the bands seemed to enjoy me being around, even if I did accidentally wind up with a wristband that belonged to Magneta Lane. I ran into Nardwuar a couple of times on the trip--that was cool, and his collection of interviews he showed reminded me that you can be treated like an asshole for a long time, but eventually all that matters is what you have produced. I don't know why, but Montreal left me feeling humourless. I need joke botox.

Shows: Thursday at Planet Kensington with Jon Rae and The River. free

Friday: L'AFTERPARTY at Rancho Relaxo,PWYC, with DJ Dave(Shit La Merde), Animal Monster, The Midways, Me, Gilson Lubin, Jared Sales etc etc etc...I sent out a big email about this and forgot to write the venue down. Gah! I haven't advertised this L'Afterparty very well at all...hopefully people go.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Les Jokes

Today I've been in Montreal, and still am going to been for the next couple of hours. I'm leaving here in two hours. Pop Montreal has been alright--but I have received no free beer and seen no shows but the one I played with the Paper Bag crew on friday (which went well enough, although this version of France took my mild mention of Expos mascot Youi in the reverse of stride),and the Kool Keith/ DJ Vadim show yesterday, the latter of which almost drove me to suicide. KK didn't play until 2 AM, and finished around 315--completely wrecking any of my plans for the evening. And if I ever hear the name DJ Vadim again, I hope it's in the context of his music being banned under new communism--he was fine, but was forced to play for far too long in order to make time for Kool Keith to get there.
Keith is one of my favourite rappers, so he pretty much can do no wrong in my book;also, I got in for free, so had a different perspective on the show than others. He spent as much time talking in between songs about 'ass lickers vs pussy lickers' than he did busting out shortened, one verse takes on songs of his both obscure and not. But he cleared the packed room by halfway through his set, and when he finished up with a quick encore of Poppa Large and said "This is Kool Keith's last appearance--I'm retired now.", he was greeted with almost as many boos as cheers. Montreal did not seem amused. But they rarely really do. Or should I say 'doo doo'? Maybe.

Sunday, September 26, 2004


I'm back for some sunday internettery. I mean, I'm on the internet at other times, too, but most of the time I'm too 'occupied' to do this autobiographical BS. Anyway, it's actually monday now, and I just finished up writing some CD reviews that will hopefully wind up in NOW. I'm sick of shitty tunes, and I had to listen to many. Although the next batch of stuff I have to review contains some hard metal, so maybe I'll like that.

I was in Montreal last week, so apologies for not dropping some bon mots on thy asses. I was too busy vacationing. It was rad. I got to see the giant cross on top of the mountain up close and personal. Next time I go(which is next week) I plan on visiting the insectarium/botanical garden/bio dome--it's a very exciting thing for me, made all the more exciting by the fact my five year old U of T ID will hopefully earn me some sort of discount getting in. While in Montreal, I kept thinking it and Toronto were tied in terms of being fun, but maybe Montreal actually is more fun. I don't know. I'll need to have an acid trip there and then one in Toronto. Then I'll tell you.

I have shows coming up this week--today at Fuze Room around 930 with Mack Lawrenz and Bob Kerr making tunes, then wednesday at Cafe May as part of "Old Shoe Comedy", and then thursday at Lee's Palace hilarifying between bands at The Paper Bag Records Anniversary show, which I'll be continuing the next day Petit Campus in Montreal with them folks.

Then October 7th I might be doing a set with Jon-Rae Fletcher and the Riverat Planet Kensington, followed by L'AFTERPARTY on Friday, October 8th. Then on the 13th I'm at CBGB's with The Paper Bag Gang again(consisting of Jake Fairley, The Uncut, Controller.controller and Magneta Lane)...that should be fun. I need to set up more NY shows. Looks like november 4th or 5th I'll be with Knock Knock Who's There! Comedy at this Tim Sims theatre thing they're putting on, and who can forget that Oct. 31 Brutal Knights plays with Fucked Up and Corpusse at Sneaky Dee's for a Wavelength Halloween!??!

There's more happening but I forget for now. I'll try to update this shit more frequently.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Sunday is the name I gave it in bold, because it's the only day I really feel no guilt over sitting around and not working. Well, maybe not no guilt, but less guilt.
I took it easy last night, and feel good today because of that. Not going out on saturday nights is sometimes the best feeling of all time, next to a "little death".

Hey, check out the fan page somebody made for my friends in Knock Knock Who's There!'s such an honor for them.
I really need to learn how to properly blizog.

Did some comedy this week. Wednesday I lost a notebook that had some new jokes in it, so I did some vintage material at Hooch that I hadn't performed for a couple of years.
It was kickass, though. I had a blast. Then I played Canker on Friday, which was fun as usual. I did like four minutes of new material and then told the audience to 'lick my comedic balls' and stopped le set. Some guy from an independant U of T newspaper interviewed me using his cell phone as a mic. Canker is apparently gonna move soon, but it consistently has some pretty fun comics and a chaotic but worthy vibe. All should attend. After Canker I went to see the Sadies at their CD Release show at the Horseshoe, and they were seemingly wrapping up their set. The house music came on and I was in a state of disappointment at having missed the dudes. But then Dallas came out and announced that they'd be doing a whole other set, accompanied by Rick White and Greg Keelor--and they did. It was grandly heavy. I had a wicked time. The album is real sweet as well.

So for those keeping score on my upcoming comedyings, here they are:

Monday, Sept.20--Gladstone Hotel--I'll be doing 5 minutes or so at Mack Lawrenz' open mic.

Wednesday, Sept. 29--Cafe May on Roncesvalles--PWYC--I'll be doing a set at "Old shoe" comedy.

Thursday, Sept. 30--Paper Bag Records Anniversary show at Lee's Palace--$10I'll be doing mad jokes throughout the night, in between sets by The Uncut, Jake Fairley, Magneta Lane and Controller.controller.

Friday Oct.1--Playing at Pop Montreal with the Paper Bag gang.

Friday Oct.8--L'Afterparty, featuring Me and Gilson Lubin doing long sets, DJ Chico providing tunes, and appetizer sized stand-up appearances by Joe Ross, Makesi Arthur, Deborah Robinson, Jared Sales, Mack Lawrenz, Daryn Mcintyre and more. PWYC--half the proceeds are gonna go to an animal charity...does anybody know of a worthy animal charity besides the humane society?

Wednesday, Oct.13--At CBGB's in New York with Paper Bag as part of CMJ.

Friday, Oct.15--In Montreal opening for Neil Hamburger, hopefully.

Brutal Knights might be playing with Career Suicide a week today at Planet Kensington. And we're coming to montreal and ottawa on November 26 and 27.

Finally, I just wanted to say that I picked up the Don Rickles album Hello, Dummy! and it is a must-have. Hilarity at the expense of all ethnicities. He is funnier and balder than me.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Shitty Tunes Are My Life

So I review albums to make some extra change. But 99% of what I get is shit, and sometimes I don't even feel comfortable writing that in my reviews, because I feel a need to be 'objective'...for instance, right now I'm listening to Alter Bridge's debut album, One Day Remains, and it sucks balls so hard that the balls are crushed by the huge vacuum created by the album's sucking. These dudes used to be Creed, but they got rid of the drunk guy. What a bullshit album. But on the other hand, it is perfect for anybody who gets introspective once a year, but otherwise only works and jacks off. AKA Dubya.

I was really aggravated when I began blogging a moment ago, because I am a simpleton at this blog bullshit. I need to learn how to link to things I like and keep them up there, because there's lots of websites I'd like to advertise. Maybe sometime I'll just do an entry that's a short listing of them. I still need to update my website. Look, I don't want to fucking blog anymore today. I'm already useless enough. If I write anything else today I'll just feel like even more of a pointless person. But here are two shows where I will say funny things and not be the douche I seem to be today, or at the least, I'll be a hilariously exaggerated versh of the douche I seem to be today.

Wednesday, September 15--Hooch Above Gypsy Co-Op at Queen and Niagara--Stand Up at a comedy open mic. Free and shit. 9 PM

Friday, Sept 17--Performing at Canker at Gorilla Monsoon's. Free. Other performers include Jared Sales, Daryn Macintyre, Makesi Arthur, Joseph Ross and James Marshall.

Thursday, Sept 30--Doing comedy at Lee's Palace throughout the Paper Bag Records Anniversary Show featuring Jake Fairley, The Uncut, Magneta Lane and Controller.Controller...looking forward to this. I'll be playing with these bands on Oct 1 at Pop Montreal and Oct 13 at CMJ as well. Hiyoo. He--check out the forums on anonymous somebody says they're bored of my dick n' pussy jokes. But how can this be?!?!??!?!?!?

I've drank coffee today and it's made me terribly anxious. Oy,here's some more of my tour diary:


This happened over two months ago and I no longer remember any of it. We arrived in New York the day after Providence, RI, and the drive back was brutal in the period we spent waiting just to get back into the city. But then we went to our friend Dara's house, where we were staying during our return visits there during the week. I'm sure we drank, and a terribly crappy pot roach fell out of one of my older comedy books, meaning I could have been stupidly busted at the border. When I smoked it I couldn't tell whether it was weed or tobacco. Or if I got high. I had big plans for after the Brooklyn show--I was set to meet up with an internet magazine editor and meet comics at The Comedy Cellar. It wound up not happening, but the show at Brooklyn club Southpaw went awesome. I did 25 minutes and had benefited greatly from having done three long sets the last few days of the tour. I was quite happy with it, even if there were few people who saw me rock that shit in the crowd. Then we went somewhere afterward and had some drinks, probably. At some point I pissed.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Lamin' It Up, a way of life for me

At some point this year I just cooped myself up in my house and tried not to leave; a fruitless goal, considering I always have to leave my fucking house--I mean, it's not like I have a machine that produces sausage mcmuffins(no egg) up in this piece, so I have to leave at least sometimes. Not to mention these comedy shows, shows to review, and band practices etc. that also force me to leave house. But anytime there's a show or event or fun thing--fun time or not-- unless I can get the gumption up, I do not go. I bring this up because there was a show last night I was on the guest list for that I wanted to go to, but didn't, even though it's a group(M.O.P) that I've always loved. Whither laziness?

I don't even really have a reason to be on a computer right now. I'm listening to an album for the purposes of review, but think about it, I could be pumping it from a ghetto blaster away from this bullshit internet device. But instead I'm here, internet chatting with one of my friends who doesn't live in the same city as me, listening to this album and "blogging".

Hey! I have a show tonight! $5! "Gentlemanfest"--a Ladyfest Fundraiser. I'm MCing, and performing are Femme Generation, Sour Keys, The Pauls and The Sass, with DJ Captain Easychord. It's at the Gladstone Hotel at 9 PM, and it's allllllllllllllllllll aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages.

Recollections pending.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

These salad days haven't been properly washed and are covered in grainy dirt and shitty tasting dreams and expectations

So I'm listening to the new Terror Squad album right now. I'm not sure about this Fat Joe character. Not the finest rapper in the land. Especially in the looks department.
This weekend I passed up a totally rad trip to a cottage(what would have been my first such trip of the year), but my choice to stay has so far paid off this weekend.

Thursday set a nice precedent. My friend Kristy decided to move to England, and so her friend Carissa organised a suprise show for her at the Silver Dollar, with me MCing and performances from Jim Guthrie and a Ramones cover band. It was a total blast and Kristy seemed to be happy that the show was occuring. Mass partying occurred then and thereafter, into the wee hours. I didn't boff myself that night.

Friday I did nothing but watch a half-episode of the Sopranos, rebuff a cottage invite, and catch the last 25 minutes of Rocky IV. They should have called it 'Rocky HIV', because it is death-inducing in its stupidity. And it shouldn't exist. Nonetheless, I felt like a better American having watched it. Am Canadian though.

Yesterday was fine times, because my friend Andre got married on Ward's Island, so I took the ferry over around 8 and walked into a very fun reception in the closest thing to woodland I've been near since the time I saw a picture of Paris Hilton's vadge, which was earlier today. And right now too. I drank and I ate and made merry and congratulated the couple, and then we drank at this bar called the Rhino. Fly Like An Eagle began to play within the confines of the bar, and I was so happy because no song has more meaningful lyrics than that particular choice cut of '70 grade A prime beef.

Then today I went on a picnic, and at the moment should be working on stuff for NOW but am vaguely putting it off. Here's some shows I will play soon:

Monday, September 6--Gladstone Hotel, free. At 10PM alongside comedians like Sarah Hennesey and Mike Balazo for Mack Lawrenz' birthday.

Thursday, September 9--Gladstone Hotel, Gentlemenfest, a ladyfest fundraiser featuring Femme Generation, The Pauls and MC'd by yours truly.

Wednesday, September 15--Doing some time at Mike Sheer's comedy room @ Hooch, above Gypsy Co-Op circa 10 PM. It's free and fun.

Friday, September 17--Performing at Canker with Jared Sales & Daryn Mcintyre, Joseph Ross, Makesi Arthur and more. PWYC and it'll definitely be a fun eve.

Wednesday, September 29--Cafe May with Sarah Hennesey and others. It's located at Roncesvalles and Dundas and will be free or PWYC.

Thursday, September 30th--MCing the Paper Bag Records Anniversary show at a venue TBA, with acts Jake Fairley, The Uncut, Magneta Lane and more.

Friday October 1--MCing the Paper Bag Showcase at Pop Montreal. More info TBA.

Friday October 8--L'Afterparty 3--the charity edition. How better to celebrate 'the month of Satan', also known as'October', than to give the proceeds to my huge comedic blowout to charity? There is no better way. I've done tests and there just isn't. This one will be at Rancho Relaxo again.

And this month hopefully I'll make some serious headway in getting my August 25
L'Afterparty performance edited for it's upcoming DVD release. It was a 35 minute tour de farce so hopefully I'll have a good product for all of you who will want to see this shit.

Does anybody want me to write more recollections of that July tour?

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Feel the vibe coming from my jam box

I'm back at my parents' house. My month-long residency at The Drake is over and I no longer have any excuse for my pubes to be on one of the beds there. 'Twas quite the time. Very little shaminess occurred, unfortunately, and as my adulthood continues to be more noticeable, I won't be able to indulge in much shameyness without being anything but a gross dude, so really, I should deal with shameyness now while I'm the least gross I will ever be.

Speaking of gross, gross words flowed from my mouth at the L'Afterparty on wednesday the 25th, but it went great. I did about 35 minutes--definitely my longest set. I'd had a newspaper article earlier that,
and I was surprised at some of the people it brought out. People I went to highschool with, friends of my family and more all came out, and I'm assuming some were disgusted and now hate me and think I'm "weird".

Actually, the turnout was phenomenal for this event, considering I didn't try to make a hugey-huge deal out of it, and luckily I thought I represented myself comedically as best I could. Then the band played and it was weird we were at the Drake.

I loved seeing all the acts at l'afterparty...Panzram's Ghosts ruled nicely. And Makesi Arthur was so funny. I liked the video but I hate showing videos at events. Is that weird?

I swear to god if eat any more fusion food I will cut off my balls with a letter opener and shove them down the throat of the nearest sellout Japanese chef.

Upcoming shows:
Tonight, old york tavern, 9 30 PM. I'll be on early so show up if it so floats. your boat.

Beyond that, I'm hosting a show at Rancho Relaxo on the first friday in September. And I think I'm MCing the Paper Bag records anniversary show, which may be the same day as Toronto's first Kool Keith concert in awhile, in which case compromises must be reached.

And the next L'Afterparty is Friday October 8 at Rancho!

So until then, keep fucking.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Could I Be Any More Ready? yes, but won't be

So I have about 8 hours until L'Afterparty, and let me tell you, I am excited but a bit freaked out, because in an effort not to repeat my jokes too heavily, I'm trying to write as much as possible, and so am feeling stressed that I won't be able to write everything in time. It'll be fine though.
So this stay at the Drake has been good, because it's provided me with a lot of alone time, and thus I have had a lot of orgasms. Also, the delicious food has been just that and I haven't overdone it. I still have a couple of more days left to party down and snack. 'Twill rule. I got a copy of the new R.Kelly album the other day, along with the Snoop/Nate Dogg/Warren G album 213 and the new Beatnuts. All three are good, but especially the new Kells. I'm starting to realise he is called the 'piper' because of the pipes in his throat, and not due to the pipe he shoves in underdeveloped throats. How old is R.Kelly? He must be getting up there in age. That would make sense because his subject matter is becoming oddly old-timey. The man exists in a make-believe universe only he completely understands, but I love that universe, although I wish we could excise the part where he corrupts the very young from that universe. Anyway, magic things haven't majorly gone down since these Drake times began. I have drank fancy drinks and DJ'd rad tunes to the uncaring masses that spend time here. Also, I have questioned my validity as a person. Always good to do. Here is L'Afterparty info.

L'Afterparty, Drake Hotel, Wednesday August 25, 9 30, PWYC
video by JARED SALES and

if you're a comedian reading this, if I have time afterward I'll be giving peeps some time for a comedy jam to close out the eve, so feel free to c'mon down. Hope it goes well.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

The next impression that will be done expertly by many comedians will be F. Murray Abraham

Or not. I don't actually know. But he is a hilarious character actor who doesn't get the credit he deserves, in terms of being over-the-top when onscreen. Pardon me for not putting up info about the bunch of shows I just did, but my ass has been busy and confused; since moving into the Drake, I've felt like I've been trying to keep up with the stuff I am obliged to do, and so haven't had time to write in this son of a beyotch "blog". I'm sure you all are anxiously awaiting my never-ending recollections of an uneventful tour, so I'll try to write some shit about that. For now, here's some show info:

Doing a set at the old york tavern around 10 PM today, sunday August 15--it's at tecumseth south of snake from degrassi will be there.

L'Afterparty feat. me, Makesi Arthur, Knock Knock Who's There Comedy, Panzram's Ghost, Brutal Knights and a short by Jared Sales. PWYC@ The Drake Hotel, Wed. Aug 25

Sorry this entry sucks. I'll try to make up for it by washing your car or ass.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Three Hours 'til Magic Time

So I'm moving into the Drake in a few hours. I have two bags packed with clothes,three books, a few CDs, a TV Carnage DVD, and various clothings, among otherthings. I thought my check-in day was this past tuesday, but it turns out Tyler Clark Burke is taking her sweet-ass sweet time sweetly moving out ofher sweet pad, and so I was homeless for two days. A lie. I am at my parent's house and will be after the residency as well. It's really getting time toleave the nest. The umbilical cord attached to me is starting to reek and rot. Maybe I should just let it rot away naturally--meaning, not move out of my parents' house until they or I die. It would be a funny contest. No, but really, I do want to leave the family nest. I think I only want to when I'm absolutely prepared though, both mentally and walletly.

I guess this Drake residency will entail performing there various times, and end with an edition of L'Afterparty on Wednesday August 25th,with my performance filmed for some kind of DVD, and also Brutal Knights will play, and also there will be DJs, and also there will be other performers. If only I could afford to have Nelly do a one-time only comedy set. What a dream. Seriously, I need to pick who's gonna play it, and fast.

Anyway, I started this entry two days ago and am now only just finishing it. Without
any further ado, more of my tour breakdown. Death Becomes Her is on the boob tube and I need to watch it, buddy.


We had bagels with Hollie in Boston and used the internet. It was awesome. Then we started driving again, listening to the new Neurosis album and critiquing various people we knew. The trip was short, but Providence was incredibly rainy that day, and mostly populated by Dunkin' Donuts, which seems to own most of the town's downtown area. Joey Mcintyre was performing at the Dunkin'Donuts Skating Rink that night, alongside Hanson and somebody else who probably has a weird slog of a life and is the toast of their hometown.

Muthafuckas be talkin' funny as flourescent talking shit in Boston and Rhode Island. Indian comedians probably do impressions of that type of accent as often as North American comedians use the 'funny indian' voice. You know what I mean. Providence was fairly miserable and drizzly, and we waited hours and hours before the club opened,attempting to eat fruit and veggies as much as possible that day, seeing as it seemed every night I was eating meat, and every morning also eating meat. The latter was often in the form of a sausage mcmuffin or sausage mcmuffinesque item. The club we arrived at didn't even have posters up for the show, and this led to a wildly underattended event. Luckily, I managed to garner somelaughs from those present, and me and Marco managed to find a place to stayin short order after my set--with a girl named Colleen, who we accompanied to 'metal night', which apparently occurs right above 'eighties night' in Providence. We were mostly drunk, save for Marco, and when arriving at Colleen's we proceeded to party further, unfortunately waking her sleeping roomate,as well as her sleeping roomate's sleeping boyfriend, who was none too pleased to see a couple of amazing dudes totally prepped to make a cuckold out of him, which didn't occur because it wasn't a possibility. Then a bunch of other peoples showed; one girl and a bunch of dudes me and Marco now refer to as a band called "The Cockblocks", because that's what those guys seemed to be all about. We got wasted and fell asleep without brushing our teeths. Waking up the next morning felt gross, and was compounded by the buying of brekwiches, the listening-to of the new Adam Sandler CD, and the drive back to New York City, which took forever, especially when we were actually in the city. Oy. Boo. Daaaam.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Eternal Bullshit of the Filthy and Bored Flanagan

So after a week of taking it slow, I guess I'm preparing again for another grind of a month. I've got to do tons of open mics, some rock shows, and play a bunch of shows at the Drake Hotel, where I'll be the artist in residence this coming month.
My project is to make a good live DVD of my show, and it's daunting. I feel like a magician whose job it is to trick the camera that I'm better than I really am. My parents have been away, and me and my sister Sarah have just been relaxing here, but of late I've been feeling kinda voidy. I need some centrifugal force in my life, and I need it fast. Does that make sense?
I guess it isn't particularly hilarious. Well, imagine that I'm writing this while dogsitting forty hound dogs and smoking a cigar, all the while wearing suspenders but no shirt. Now is it funny? I went to a masquerade ball last night and had a wonderful time hanging out with my friend Davida, a photographer lady who is funny, awkward and nice. I helped bring her photographing equipment to the club, and was paid off with free admission. Then I went to a birthday party for about 20 minutes, but had a pretty great time, due to the eating of cake and the drinking of milky alcholic beverages, which are a fave of mine. Here are some show announcements:

Monday, July 26

I might do a set at Mack Lawrenz' video game-centric open mic at the Fuze Room, just east of bathurst. It's free. I'm probably going to have something else to do or laze out of this entirely, but I'd like to go.

Tuesday, July 27, Drake Hotel
I'll be MCing this night of video art and music, with the rapscallions in Spitfires and Mayflowers performing to cap it all off. I think it's like $2 and starts at 8. The Drake is on Queen West, on the north side, just east of Beaconsfield.

Wednesday, July 28

If I get back from the D12 concert in time, I'm gonna go to Mike Sheer's open mic at the Hooch, on Queen street by Niagara and above Gypsy Co-Op. It is also free. Nothing quite like doing an open mic, is there?

Saturday, August 7, Drake Hotel
I'll be emceeing(but not rapping) at this concert featuring Kat Burns, A Vertical Mosaic, mn-l, and Teh New Sneaks. This is an internet-centric show put on by the 20hz messageboard, Toronto Chapter, and I'm definitely interested in seeing how it goes. I'm trying to think of internet messageboard humour that doesn't involve fixating on the mispelling of commonplace words. It's all about finding the next level.

Monday, August 9, Oasis

BRUTAL KNIGHTS are playing the Oasis, with a bunch of bands, including San Francisco's HIGHTOWER and Wisconsin's THE SHUTUPS. It'll probably be $5-$6. You should go.

And now, my continued serialised recap of my adventures on tour last week, based on copious notes taken at the time.

NY/BOSTON July 11-12

After a very late evening spent on Dara's roof, I had to write an article, which I accomplished via the wonder of the internet, which I still think is bullshit but helps me more than most dads help their sons. I was so happy to have finished this article that I jumped for joy. We(Marco, Dara and I) celebrated by going to a bar called 1849, which had two dollar beers and two fifty mix drinks, as well as fifteen cent wings and a band that covered songs from Zeppelin to U2. I got restless, because drinking gives me heartburn and wings give me the farts, so I stepped out into the street for a bit, and hung around outside famed laff grotto The Comedy Cellar for a bit. Then I ran into Gilbert Gottfried and we blew each other so hard, that by the end of our session we had somehow exchanged our voices. Then me and the team went back to 7B, because I'd forgotten a digital camera there late the night before. We returned to find it was not there. Someone had taken it. We grabbed a cab and went back to Dara's house, slightly drunker, and definitely more bitterer. The night of bad tippery returned in that cab, because we gave a ten cent tip, and the cabbie said "Was there something wrong with the service?" For God's sake--NO! Don't be so insecure. Just accept the facts of typical bullshit life, you silly cabman.

The next day we got up early and headed to Boston, listening to Adam Sandler's new album on the way and occasionally laughing. I talked about girls who were hot, while Marco jonesed for the devil's nut hair, aka ganjah. We got to the club early, had an awesome meal at a nearby restaurant where they were watching an old Jam concert on TV, and played the show, which started weakly on my part but gathered legs as it went along. Doing a bad impression of JFK to a crowd in Boston has always been a dream of mine, and I lived that dream. The people at the bar were nice too. In fact, Hollie the soundgirl at TT the Bears, who was doing the door that night, let me and Marco crash at her house, which we appreciated very much. She stopped us from sleeping in our car and being mugged, raped and killed by people with stupid accents who hate America. Who else could I mean but Massasacheutians? We woke up the next morning, got bagels with her, visited the school where she once learned sound engineering, bought a disposable camera, and headed toward Providence on a rainy day, in a good mood. Hollie recommended we check out something called "Eighties Night" after our show. We needed to find a place to stay in Providence, so a lead on a place to find drunk and potentially hospitable youths was like discovering a geyser of stinky water in a dry-ass desert, but more arousing, but less exciting.
Here's a pic someone took of the Boston set.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

I'm back, and I'm pissed on.

I sit here, just prior the dawn of midday, in my underwear and typing. That is to say--I'm back baby! My 9 day trip to and from New York three times was rad! I had NOW Magazine stuff and more comedy shit to keep me busy, so it wasn't a total vacation, but since I was on a tight budget that was often paying for two, I'm glad I had stuff to distract me with. Anyway, here's a breakdown of my days, based on the copious notes I took...I think I'll break it up into sections. One day today, and more on other's hard to write it all down.
Saturday, July 10:

Went to bed at 1, woke up at 530. Quickly packed all I thought I would need into my parents car, as they worriedly watched me flip out about whether I would get to NY in time to play the show. Counted my money and also stressed. Marco, my friend who so nicely volunteered when asked to drive my parents' car for the tour, arrived at 7 and we hit the road. The drive there was uneventful but pleasant--the most pleasant aspect being when we were passed through at the border, without any BS hassle or even a strong stinkeye. Young people are no longer America's enemy--people with beards are. Of course, during the whirlwind of the week preceding the show, I hadn't really composed my first show's set indepth, so I spent a good deal of the time in the car working that out. We arrived at the club pretty close to the show's start time, and I was too scared and unrelaxed to ask the guy at the bar for beer tickets.
Joe's Pub was pretty fancy-schmancey, and very dark. The peeps represented though, inlcuding Dara, whose house we stayed at while in NYC, and my friends Eunice and Dan, this rad dude Yaz, and Julie, the editor of this real good comedy e-zine called Two Drink Minimum (, and this dude Johnny O,and even Adam Green, which surprised me and was radly pleasing. My set was shakey and confused, but I told the jokes I had, and some people laughed. The response was quiet but there were laughs. Afterward, people at the show remembered me from the last time I opened up for Hamburger. We then took off and partied down at various bars, ending the night at this place 7B, where the people seemed to be picking the same terrible songs on the decent jukebox. Who picks Velvet Revolver EVER?!?!??!? Somebody, apparently. I had bought a disposable camera, but left it at 7B in a drunkenly sloshed haze of wastedness. Me, Dara, Marco and Eunice then went on the roof of her building and continued to drink inoxicating fluids. It was a nice first day. I was just happy we'd entered the country.

I also forgot to mention that this was the night of bad tippery--at Joe's Pub and at some place called Club B or something, Marco and Dara and others ordered food, and a minor tip or misunderstanding led to the server saying 'was there something wrong with the service?';at Club B it was especially bad, because we were legitimately trying to add to our shitty tip, but they didn't let us back into the restaurant, so the server came out and got in a verbal spar with Marco, ending with tthe server using hands as quotation marks and saying 'you guys are cool'. Apparently servers there make three dollars an hour. I for one, don't even get paid by the hour, so he should be happy. Or at least happier.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

The City That Never Sleeps With Me

OK, so I've been in New York for just over 24 hours now, and I'm having a good time, although I'm worried I'll run out of money long before this tour is set to end. I'm playing a show on wednesday but I also really want to go to Cinema Classics or Invite Them Up or whatever that cool comedy thing on wednesdays is here in 'da city'. I'll post my tour dates at the bottom of this lil blog entry as well.

I'm tired right now. I'm planning on eating wings soon though, so that will probably give me an energy that vegetarians only dream about. Do vegetarians dream at all? I've always wondered.

Anyway, last night's show went real cool. I was amazed at the amount of pals and people I'd invited who came--Julie, the editor of Two Drink Minimum(an itnernet comedy magazine, at, designed by a guy named Dan who was there too) showed up and was very cool. Adam Green showed as well, which was a really, really nice surprise. I interviewed him at the beginning of the year and got his email address from him at his show, so I invited him down to the show, and he actually came, and enjoyed it. That's cool shits, if you axe me. Check out for more info.

I really want to see both Dodgeball and Anchorman. Which should it be? Oh, by the way, do you know how scary it is knowing your parent's car is parked somewhere on an NY street, just waiting to be barfed or shitted on or smashed up by an anti-semite? I'm so scurred.

Oh, and how did the set go last night? Pretty good. I did like twenty minutes, and closed with an impression. The crowd liked it, and a lot of people remembered me from the Piano's show. It was very dark in there and I had no beer tickets. Besides that it was good.

The only bummer so far is that I lost a disposable camera and that I still have a hairy potbelly. Here urr the turr dates:
7/12/2004 - CAMBRIDGE (BOSTON), MA
T.T. The Bear's Place
10 Brookline St. Cambridge, MA 02139
8:30 PM doors $8

7/13/2004 - PROVIDENCE, RI '
The Century Lounge
15 Elbow
8:00 PM doors $8

7/14/2004 - BROOKLYN, NY
125 5th Avenue Brooklyn, NY 11217
doors:7:30 PM

7/16/2004 - BALTIMORE, MD
2549 North Howard St Baltimore, MD 21218
9 PM doors $8

July 18th-8 PM-Piano's-Opening for the Whitest Kids U Know-Free-

Yay! See ya soon.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Prime Canadian Beef

Today, I've got nothing. Nothing but sunshine, as it is such a beautiful goldarn day outside of my house. Not that I plan on going outside of my house, but it's really nice to look out the window while you're surfing the internet and needlessly putting off sending emails, and seeing rays of light pleasantly warm the soft heads of children and the elderly.
Things have gone pretty decently since friday. The Brutal Knights show on saturday was really fun, and all the bands that played were great. The venue turned out to be pretty cool as well, although I'm not sure a place where the band playing can be heard for blocks around will necessarilly last, it is a thrill, even if the opportunity is fleeting.
We debuted our new song 'Worst City' that night. It's about London, Ontario. Here are the lyrics:

That is where you come
if you're angry, dumb and horny
that is where you're from

Girls in London Ontario have more problems than math

Overenthusiastic, quick to cop a tude
in hair have streaks of pink or blue
unecessarily lewd

repeat chorus

They are all outsiders
each one of them's 'alternative'
the men are thirty
the girls are twenty
all of them have herpes

repeat chorus

We won't be playing til late July or early august, because I'm going away, as is our bassist Daniella.
Saturday I stayed out late and partied down in somebody from London, Ontario's house. Shaminess ensued, but luckily, not on my end. Or in my end, if you know what I mean.
This week I'll be doing comedy on wednesday, July 7 at the Hooch, but that'll just be a preparatory set at an open mic.

The big shindig will of course be L'Afterparty on July 8, an evening where all who have committed seem to have pulled out. OK, that's not true, but my drummer Andrew would rather go to see Dead Meadow in London Ontario than get free drinks and help make my show more of a show. So there will be no live backing band. Ladies, don't fuck him--he's selfish in bed and has a girlfriend.
Anyway, even if it's all shoddy DJing from me and good DJing from Anousheh, you should come and see me off. It's a once in a lifetime sexperience. I'm gonna do a goddamn 30 minute command performance. Or will I?

Friday, July 02, 2004

Heather M. took the photo above at the Brutal Knights silver dollar show. I dunno who designed the rad flyer below.
Memphis Bleek ASSHOLE

Again, I'm just trying to draw you in with a reference to popular rap guy Memphis Bleek. I'm tired. Why are you assholes forcing me to blog? I wandered around tonight and gave flyers to a bunch of people in town. It was really fun, and made me feel sort of like a guy who runs for political office, running around, kissing babies and such.
I miss my San Franciscan friends who left on monday. They're some of my best pals, and I rarely get to hang out with them. Yet when I do, we have nothing to say to each other. Hey, I know what would cheer me up--printing some Brutal Knights lyrics!

T.B.S.L(typical bullshit life)

It's so cold and you are high
drunk on beers and at a party
some dame you like approacheth thee
you shit your pants and barf on she


TBSL! In my dreams
TBSL! When I try schemes
TBSL! When have job
TBSL! Bullshit life

Renting movies with seven of your friends
everybody wants to rent In Company Of Men
It's already rented, what to do?
all I know is everybody blames you
it's more typical bullshit in your life
that TBSL makes you cry

rpt chorus

This song has a brother tune by my friend Erin Mcdermott(one of the aforementioned San Franciscans) and her band The Western Dark. Their song called TBSL also rules.
Perhaps one day we will make a split punk seven inch where we cover each other's songs that share the same name. A wondrous day that will be.
Brutal Knights are tomorrow at the fuze room.
My comedy set at L'Afterparty will be backed by an orchestra of sorts.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Cheap food is disgusting

Wassup, my peoples? I'm just killin' time at ye olde comp, wearing a condom and waiting to get hard. Actually, of late I've been toying with the idea of masturbating while wearing a condom. Has anybody tried this? Does it work?
I just found out that this gross food court I go to once every three months in Chinatown got shut down, for the reason of violating health standards. The reason this is funny is that it's an entire food court that got shut down--every restaurant in the food court was disgusting. If you live in Toronto and have no standards, then you know the one i'm talking about--it charges $2.99 for a five item gross buffet of Asia food. They found rats there, live cockroaches, mice droppings--essentially, if you have eaten there, the residue of vermin and feces has been on your food. And I've eaten there! Hurrah for me and my gross mouth.
Next thing I know, I'm gonna find out that those cheap Chinese buns are filled with shredded hemmerhoids and not shredded pork at all, and that my gross Vietnamese Subs I sometimes buy are actually just cysts found on old people and put upon buns. Discovery is such an overrated thing.

Moving on, the show at the Drake Hotel on monday went real good. I should play after video art more, because it seems to lower people's enjoyment standards so far as to make my comedy look like the second coming of Ben Franklin. Whatever that means. I'm gonna try and do more jokes at the drake more often. Audiences have been really cool lately. Jer Finkelstein di some comedy too, and it went well, with a decently told joke with a punchline that was funny. That place is weird. I like it, but at the same time I am so annoyed by it. I like it because I want to be a yuppie. I am annoyed by it because everybody there seems to be on drugs I can't afford, be it delicious food and drink, or cocaine or delightfully expensive prescription meds. I do like the $2 photo booth though.
My pal Clarrie made a poster for L'Afterparty, and my next entry will be that poster in JPEG form.
And remember to go to my upcoming shows:

Thursday, July 1:
A short set at Rancho Relaxo during the 1000 songs evening. 'Tis
also free. Then afterward I'll see if I can do something at the Poor Alex's Ryan Horwood-led comedy night.

Saturday July 3
Brutal Knights, the band I'm in, is playing with Modern Machines, Fucked Up and The Bayonettes at The Fuse room on College St and Lipincott, just east of bathurst. It'll be $5 and probably start at 930 or 10. Please come.

This is the big one...





I'm sad that Olivia Chow lost the election in my area. I would have voted for her if I hadn't been too impatient to wait in the huge line.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Laughing on the Outside

I currently have a copy of "Laughing on the Outside", an unauthorised John Candy biography by Martin Knelman, sitting next to my computer.
It's for reading when waiting for this rickety macintizosh to "boot up", as they call it in the biz. The book is a fascinating read, although the unauthorisedness of it leads to many anecdotes of Candy slighting friends without details provided or even a rudimentary defense of his actions. Unfair to Candy.
Also, I guess Knelman doesn't know the world's #1 rule-"if you are heavy and funny, you're allowed to be an asshole, because you will die young."
I am so tired right now. Got some work to do this weekend, and then more and more shows, and yet less and less money. Basically, the point of this entry is to remind all readers that John Candy is funny. As Rumsfeld might say, mission accomplished.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Dale Earnheardt lost the race war

How come that was never a subject on Win Ben Stein's Money? I am bushed right now. My friends Allyson and Erin got in from America on monday, and I've been alternately working at stuff and lazing, as is my wont.
Did comedy opening for Burning last night and had a blast. This upcoming tour with Neil Hamburger weighs heavily on my already fat mind; I need to somehow travel lots and have places to stay; so far the only place that I have no prospects in is Hoboken, NJ.
I'm really looking forward to joking for Americans. Their stupid malleability will allow me to control them via my JFK impressions.
It's a lovely day so I'm gonna get off the comp, but a quick recap of upcoming shows:

Thursday, June 24--An appearance at the Hot Box Cafe round 8. Then Rancho Relaxo around 930 or 10. First show is $5, second is PWYC.

Monday, June 28--Drake Hotel--Notes From The Underground-Doing Standup-$2. More details soon.

Sunday, June 27--Last night of the play I'm in at the Oasis, Short Plays of a Curious Nature. It's $5 and starts at 8. It should be fun.

July 3-Ania's on Queen St. W, next to suspect--Brutal Knights are playing with a few bands. Be dere.

Plus there will probably be a myriad of open mics as well, but you may want to skip those unless forced to attend, ie you are me.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Hamil"tons o fun"

I had a good time in Hamilton. Four drink tickets, some money, and a new style that is my new favourite:
DJing with a mic in front of me and occasionally doing comedy. I want to do this once a week in Toronto. If anybody knows where I can I'd be very excited to be told. I think this is the newest, bestest idea ever.
There was nothing quite like playing a slowed down, screwed up version of 3 6 Mafia's Ridin Spinners before delving into my anti-gypsy routine.
Hurray Hamilton, and Hoorah for Hamilton booker Brodie.
Tonight I plan on being the matchmaker who hooks up Kanye West and Hilary Duff for a sped-up soul sample of a one night stand.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

saturday is true hump day

I WISH! I rarely hump on saturdays, actually. It's supposed to be a day of recreation, and I consider sexualness to be work, so none of that, thank you. It's really more of a tuesday thing for me.
Sadly, I went to get another $15 fifteen minute massage yesterday. At this stage I'd like to think it's a legitimate place of backrubbery, but doubts are beginning to cloud my mind. For instance, often during the massage, the masseuse's long hair would often drag against the length of my back, almost sensually.
That, to me, is a bit more erotic than your average doctor approved back fixin'.

I'm listening to Proof from D12's new solo album, and it rules pretty good. I am impressed, Mr.Proof.
I'm doing comedy at the Casbah in Hamilton tonight, I THINK. Who really knows? I'm very non plussed at the moment. However, on the huge plus side, I have secured a tour with Neil Hamburger in early july, so I really couldn't be happier. Actually, now that I think of it, this week will rule!

Tuesday June 22nd:

I'm DJing! My friend Erin aka DJ Classic Bar Music is also sharing duties with me. It will ruleth.
It's at the Silver Dollar. Show up at 10 or something and get shitfaced. 5 Dolla, but let me know and I'll see what I can do about the 'jest list'.

Thursday June 24th

8 PM-Hot Box Cafe in Roach O Rama--MAD LAFFS DONE BY ME. $5. You are stoned.

10 PM-I'm at Rancho Relaxo opening up for The Bicycles and Fox The Boombox

I don't know what else I'm doing...more shows I guess. I am downcast, but only at this very moment, and presumably after the dogfuck that this Hamilton show will probably be.

Again, on the plus side, I'm going to the MMVA afterparty tomorrow, so perchance I'll blow a celeb.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Days of ice cream, guiltless fatness, and unlimited cum

So far this summer has been beautiful. I've been doing comedy sets if various lengths and amount of laughs, but it's been altogether fun.
My friend Jeremy's play Cocklength at the Drake was a huge blast of fun that was both hilarious and honest, but mostly hilarious. Then the Brutal Knights show was also fun and rocking. I threw water and beer onto the audience, and our smash hit Filthy U was weel received. The only problem is our guitarist's guitar exploded.
Dan Burke also capped his delightful turn in Cocklength by fighting the sound guy at the Silver Dollar because he wouldn't let Dan turn up the Ohio Players.
I think that small anecdote rules. My friends from San Francisco are coming to town next week and I'm very excited.

Doing comedy tonight at the Poor Alex, tomorrow at Gorilla Monsoon's on Queen West at 9 30, then at the house party, then in Hamilton on saturday, and then on Monday at the Gladstone at 9 30, and then on tuesday at the Silver Dollar with Burning and DJing on the 22nd...
and then like three times on the 24th...the friggin' laughs do not stop, even if they are wanted to be stopped.

Do I have any other funny stories to share? Oh, I don't know. Dan Burke ate lunch with me on tuesday, the day of Cocklength. He bought me a pulled pork sandwiches.
Eating sandwiches with a notoriously gross-faced, noble, lost and horrific booker is quite the time, let me just say. Thank you for letting me just say.
Keep on being my friends. Thanks!

Monday, June 14, 2004


Once again, I give you an unrelated but eye-catching subject heading. I don't really think Michael Moore is a stupid. I think he is merely a fat.

So week two of "5 Short Plays of a Curious Nature" went down yesterday, and it was fine. Everybody was tired, and I was just happy I didn't forget any lines. I really enjoy this acting bullshit. It's like taking a vacation as a job, except the vacation is with excitable fools as fellow travelers. I'm being the theatre person high school never allowed me to be, and it's giving me a half bone.

I just sent in a bunch of CD reviews and am semi-satisfied with myself. Never a good way to be. The Brutal Knights show on saturday was true blast, in the literal sense of the word. A blast to the nose! A blast of bad smell from Planet Kensington, into the mouths and nostrils of all in attendance.
It actually did go pretty well, especially for a first show. People were having fun and the band played super-tight. My voice was a bit shot/shoddy, but my charisma of 18 won over the punx.

Thanks to the resourceful Steve Himmelfarb, I'm now set up to play a show on the 24th at Rancho Relaxo with The Bicycles and a bunch of other rad projects. It should be real fun, real real fun. Actual fun. Whoooo!

And also I'll be doing some comedy at the Drake on June 28th as part of some kind of art/video/music showcase event that costs two ballers to get in.

I'm out beyatches. Catch ya later!

Thursday, June 10, 2004

"Blogkick" Me Jesus

Today I reek of B.O. It is a terrible thing. Last night I rehearsed musically and sort of lost my voice, which seems to be a trend for me when I practice music.
I wonder if my body sweats more to tell me my voice is lost? That would be weird.
I also have had like four people refer to me as 'eccentric' of late. Is this a compliment, a codename for gay, or both of those things?
After losing my voice yesterday, I decided the right thing to do would be to lose some money as well. So I went and visited my friend Jaime and we went to a bar where there would supposedly be cheap drinks.
These drinks were once $3, but upon our arrival we realised the price had been upped to $4, and considering they weren't giving quarters as change, often a dollar was the de rigeur tip, meaning drinks were ultimately five dollars. Not toooooooooo pricey I suppose, but far from a bargain.
That's the kind of stuff that makes me want to die and think that life is ultimately bullshit. I guess we all have buttons that suck when pushed! Mine are high price buttons!

I really should lay off the exclamation points. I'm thinking of writing a joke about how whenever I write emails to people whose first language isn't english, I tend to employ the use of more exclamation points. Why is that? The reason will inevitably wind up the punchline.

You may have noticed I've been subtly leaning the wording of this entry so that I could easily segue into discussion of comedy and upcoming events I'm rocking. So let's begin.

First off, I think I'm gonna go to the Poor Alex tonight at 9 30 and try to get some comedy done. Not 100% sure of it yet, but if you're in the nabe, drop by.

Then on saturday it's the Brutal Knights, Bush League, Bayonettes show aqt Planet Kensington.
On sunday I think I'll do comedy at Einstein's, after I perform in this play that we're doing at the Oasis at 745. Come down if you'd like!It's $5.

Then on Monday, the 14th, I'll be doing more comedy at Oasis. I think the show is PWYC or free, and after my set there I'm gonna head to the fuse room on the north side of college near bathurst and do more comedy.

Then tuesday Brutal Knights play with Burning and Don Cash at the Silver Dollar.

All this advertising of my shit is tuckering me the fuck out. That's why I'm swearing so much. I do that when I'm tuckered out.
I love you all.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Saturday Night

Yeah, so I'm here and it's saturday night, and I didn't really leave the house. A strenuous practice has strained my vocal cords somewhat, and in true typical bullshit life fashion, I have a play to perform tomorrow. Either I'll need to scrounge up an understudy or I'll sound a lot like Kathleen Turner circa the part in V.I Warschowski where she hits the bottle again.
I watched saturday night live tonight and found two things funny. It was sad. Later on, there was a Norm Macdonald-era episode and I yukked majorly during his update.
My friend Steph is sleeping on a futon here by my computer. She's visiting Portland this week. What a lucky dame.
So this week was pretty good. Did comedy twice. Partied a myriad of times. And now on a saturday night, I decided the right thing to do would be to binge eat and then watch CSI with my friend.
I'd never seen CSI before and liked it, but afterward I was left with the ultimate feeling of having wasted my time on something that doesn't love me. Also, today David Caruso's face reminded me oddly of recently deceased Canadian press icon Brian "Brock" Linehan. It odded me out.
I've got a bunch of work to do this weekend and a ton of other stuff to do as well, and the shit is freaking me out. I lost a piece of paper that contained my detailed plans to become a celeb. It was all laid out. Now I have to resort to plan B: blow everybody.

Hey! It's checklist of my past week time!

1. Saw Mean Girls-check
2. Boner for one quarter of the cast-check
3. Movie worth price of admission-lack of check
4. Movie enjoyed by people who went to movie with me-check
4. Others' enjoyment of movie triggered inexplicable resentment on my part-check
5. Performed comedic impressions onstage-check
6. Impressions impressed- not check
7. Impressions tolerated-check
8. Told outdated jokes to lesbians-huge check
9. Impressed lesbians-uncheck
10. Milos Kundera-Czech
11. Circumsised units on dudes-not Czech
12. Listened to Kid Rock's album Devil Without a Cause twice-Check please!
13. Enjoyed album and felt justified in supporting Kid Rock--triple check!!!

I'm gonna go listen to Gene Simmons new solo album, Asshole.
The bio that I read says the album is a genre-buster, including 'neo psychedelia, beatlesesque pop, thrash, rap, and even power ballads'.
Yes, 'even power ballads'.
OK, I told you all that lyrics were forthcoming, and they are. Here is one.


I'm sorry boss, I'm late for work
I had to snowboard the everglades
then I ate sushi while playing halo online
with virtual dudes and babes
then I two-way'd my dealer, Ray
we snarfed coke off razor blades
watching "Bumfights" while at a rave
smoking 'wet' with southern rappers at a rave

Gambling with sherpas--Extreme Lifestyle
Battling herpes--Extreme Lifestyle
Surfing On Volcanos extremely
On peyote wrestling water buffalos extremely

I like to drink chocolate martinis while rock climbing
while wearing a bearskin fur coat without perspiring
boulder punching contest with Vin Deisel
Skateboarding backwards, after injecting myself with measles
Ollying the universe, my blood is mountain
there's a digital clock inside my shoe
watching "bumfights" at a rave
smoking with southern rappers at a rave

rpt. Gambling with...end

Yaaaaaaaay! EL04 is such fun song. Maybe I tell you of days past in a few hours. Until then, please surf on a volcano extremely for me.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Have you checked out yet?
It's such a most radical website; I discovered it months and months ago when it was just Richard Pryor's blog, but now it's updated, and you can download hilarious audio, order some awesome Pryor product, check out tons of cool photos from his personal collection, read his online diary(containing such gem lines as 'George W Bush looks like he hasn't got pussy since the last time he did a line'), and indulge in discourse on a message board with his wife Jennifer Lee-Pryor and other "Pry-heads", as they're called. It is currently my favourite thing about the internet.
The bullshit MS disease is hard for him, but he's still a sharp and hilarious guy.

As for me, my friend Eunice is in town, and we're having fun. That may be a lie. Actually, I think I'm showing her a horrific time.
Yesterday, I took her to the Adam Macfawn birthday roast at The Old York Tavern, where the delightful Pee On Me(hotly representin'!) and her pals and family were the main audience, and it had enough harsh moments for me to question the validity of comedy in general.
I wanted to go to various indie concerts and events also occuring yesterday, but this roast wound up taking longer than I thought. Still, it was A.M's b-day, and he is a nice man who I was glad to see the man turn 32.

Other things of note: the smoking of opiates, my friendly neighbourhood coffee shop, The Green Room, freaking out visitors, humourous polaroids being taken of my cat, platonic spooning, the combination smell of antiperspirant and perspiration, and unfulfilled promises of watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs.
I have some bullshitty work to do. Working makes me so angry. At the top of this entry is a picture of Eunice and me and her pal Dan whilst in "The City".

I'll write more about the shows maybe in a lil tiny while. I can't wait to play with grungy upstarts the Catheters at some Loft party tomorrow. I feel so hip playing at a loft.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004


Just wanted to grab your attention. It's 3 PM, I'm in my bathrobe and it's a weekday.
Something seems wrong that this is my daily lifestyle. Perhaps depressed? But why?
Maybe it's because of the Mideast situation. Maybe after I masturbate I'll discover the reason.
My May 2-4 was alright, but kinda too broke to be fun. Still, I drank a Mai Thai at some point and that was good.
Also told jokes. At least I think they were jokes. So many other dudes were telling jokes that night that i don't even remember my gags. I may have said something about cats with scabies.

I really want to write a work of fiction--maybe I should start with the 2000 election? Hahahaha. Ehhhh.

Here's some shows I be playing soon. Comment and let me know if I should print my Brutal Knights lyrics up in herrre.

Thursday-8 PM-Hot Box Cafe-Roach O Rama-Kensington Market-$5

Thursday 10 PM-Poor Alex-Brunswick south of bloor-PWYC

Saturday-Opening for Adam Mcfawn around 9@The Old York on Tecumseth south of King

Monday, May 31-The Loft-1266 Queen st. W-Buzzer 1-Opening for The Catheters, who rock, and The Sour Keys as well as Look What You Did

I'm also setting up mad june and July shows. It's all very fucking exciting. Sweet words about those coming right up, beeytches.