Monday, December 10, 2012

SHOWS!

Hello. Happy holidays, whatever they may be. Even if it's a holiday from working!!!! Who doesn't like that? Myself, apparently, as I have booked myself into various low-paying but very fun shows in Toronto over the next little while!!! Here they are:
Thursday December 13 - Annex Live, 9PM
Friday December 14 - Evany And Kyle Present, 9PM
Friday December 14 - Headlining at the LOT comedy club, 10PM
Saturday December 15 - Headlining at the LOT, 10PM
Tuesday December 18 - Write Club Toronto, The Garrison, 8PM
Wednesday December 19 - 4th Annual Egg Nog Spectacular with Hunter Collins at Vapor Central
Thursday December 27 - Last Laugh Sabbath of 2012 at Comedy Bar, 930!
Tuesday January 8, The Joke Club with Tom Henry & Sarah Ford, The Garrison. 9PM


And that's only the beginning!!!!!!
Actually that's pretty much the end. 
HAPPY NEW YEAR 

Friday, August 17, 2012

Big Wheels Keep On Turnin'



Earlier this week I read the story below at an erotic fan fiction competition at Nerdist Theatre. I chose to write about the monster truck "Bigfoot". I thought you might be interested in reading it. The picture above isn't Bigfoot, but it was so weird I had to include it. Enjoy!

UNTITLED BIGFOOT EROTIC FAN FICTION STORY


            The massive silver door of the oversized garage glistened with dew and mystery in the Hawaiian moonlight.  Airbrushed with alarmingly lifelike accuracy on the side  of the garage was an image of the most monstrous truck the world has seen – with a body painted as blue as the veins of a throbbing arm-sized lower man thing(I don’t mean leg) and wheels larger than a dong, anybody who gazed at this illustrated behemoth of power and iron and oil and sweat and decals could do nothing but harden uncontrollably and for hours. If you didn’t do this, you obviously aren’t a man.  
            Inside the garage lay the truck itself – Bigfoot, the legendary monster truck that everybody thinks is cool -  a marvel of hugeness that dripped car-semen(AKA oil) all over the shag carpeting that upholstered the ceilings, walls and floor of the luxurious room it lounged within. The whirr and a click of a remote control shattered the calm, steely silence of the probably-not-haunted room and the garage door rose as painfully as a really bad crap. A figure clad in a black robe stepped into the room, holding a Venetian mask over its mystery face, accompanied by several similarly dressed figures. They all had tenting erections that poked through the fabric of their robe-pants in a comical but arousing way but you could tell they think it looked good, which it certainly does to me! But it scared Bigfoot, who like most cars, could think but not talk. Behind the robed figures were more robed figures, all of whom were relatively well endowed and smelled of clean linen, no hint of ever having done the move of taking a dump. The room filled with almost a hundred of them and they all picked Bigfoot up and hoisted him up, like our guys hoisted the Iwo Jiwa flag. The tall figure who had walked in first spoke up:
“ Oh sexy vehicle, the brotherhood of the Car-Grinder has urgent need of you.”
“Noooo” thought Bigfoot, but he couldn’t say anything so instead he just turned on his car alarm. Speaking of ‘turned on’, Bigfoot couldn’t help but be more than even quite a little bit turned on by all the attention these dudes were giving him/it.  Bigfoot’s coolant was working overtime but it wasn’t stopping it from getting hot and bothered. His car thermometer exploded from the firm, knowledgeable touches on his rump area that the people carrying him from the back were doing.  He was so excited that he shut down entirely.
When Bigfoot ‘came’ to, he was trussed up like a prize steer at the 1914 Pennsylvania Trussing Competition & Trade Show.  ‘Foot’s. headlight eyes looked straight ahead and saw a fancy room.  The smell of roasted chicken was in the air and all these dudes were in tuxedoes – still wearing the Venetian masks. The sound of a bongo drum filled the moist air as each one of the tuxedo-clad fellas ritualistically dropped trou and their boner smell wafted into Bigfoot’s exhaust pipe and spoilers, so pungent that the gears almost short circuited from the erotic musk-reek that brought to mind a combination of mosquito repellent, chicken broth, a bourgeois lifestyle and the slime from You Can’t Do That On Television. The first one walked up to Bigfoot and slid his soft crotch-finger all over Bigfoot’s ridged, circular wheel. A sudden feeling of being surrounded made Bigfoot realize he was surrounded. All of these guys were sliding against him, rutting his metal like it was cheap foam and they all had foam fetishes. By the end of the first wave, Bigfoot looked like it had been dunked in a vat of pleasure-glop. Which was basically what had happened.  Then the lights went out and the tall figure who had led the abduction walked up to Bigfoot.
“Do I seem familiar, Biggy?” breathed the cloaked man into Bigfoot’s left side mirror, which was kind of equivalent to an ear. How strange that this man knew Bigfoot’s secret nickname. Something must be up! And not just dicks.
The figure started to remove his mask. Then he said “I bet you’re wondering who I am. Well, I’ll just tell you. I’m your creator Bob Chandler. The designer and inventor of the Bigfoot monster truck.” Then he took off the mask, revealing the fact that what he said had been true and he was who he said he was. Bigfoot’s headlights figuratively widened in shock and awe.
“Why?” thought Bigfoot. Bob answered the thought:  “Two words: gotta make that money. These robed men are all former and current presidential candidates and they pay top dollar to have sex with a monster truck.” One of the men lowered his mask, briefly revealing the winking face of  Ralph Nader. “I can’t wait to test your emissions.” sultried Nader, in his trademark judgmental monotone. Pushing Ralph aside, Bob returned Bigfoot’s attention to his talking mouth.
 “But I wanted to be the last one you remembered.”
Bob Chandler slid toward Bigfoot like a horny slug, complete with trail of slime. But just as Bob was about to enter the truck’s hard exhaust pipe, the deep bellow of a spiritually wounded prehistoric ape redirected everyone in the room’s attention from car sex. The front door had been ripped front its hinges– not from the wind, or magnets - but from the strong arms of the hairy Bigfoot monster, who had come to save his namesake. First he punched one guy, then another, and finally a third guy. The rest of the guys ran away. Except for Bob Chandler, whose piss-hose was caught inside the aroused exhaust pipe. Bigfoot ran up to Bigfoot and starts having sex with Bob Chandler until Bob spontaneously combusted from the friction and satisfaction. Revenge is served!
After a moment of repose, Bigfoot entered the same-name monster truck and drove them both out of the garage, and straight into the Pacific Ocean.  Neither were seen ever again, but on a quiet Hawaiian night, if you listen closely enough, you can hear a gross animal bellow and the honk of a massive carhorn, and know that two kind souls are finally enjoying the peace they never got to enjoy on Terra Firma. Perhaps it is we who are the real monster…trucks. 

Monday, May 14, 2012

More Shows! Montreal, Ottawa, Calgary!

Last blog post of mine was me posting show dates, and I thought 'why stop that trend?' All shows listed are in Toronto unless otherwise listed. But I'm getting out there, I'm doing some travel! Check out the dates: May 31 - Laugh Sabbath, Comedy Bar June 1
June 1 - Comedy Bar with Mark Little(Cabaret Room) June 2
June 5- Sal And Sandy, Clandestiny June 7
June 7- World Short Film Fest, The Garrison Premiering the short "Sheddies" with Tim Gilbert and Brian Barlow
June 9 - Ottawa Comedy Explosion with Bobcat Goldthwait, Brody Stevens, Chris Locke, more!
 June 11 - Laughable At Unlovable
June 15 - Mark Sultan, The Nymphets, Chelsea Beat at La Sala Rossa, Sunni Del Popolo Fest(MTL)
June 20,21 - Sled Island comedy with Gavin Mcinnes, Hannibal Buress(Calgary) And more! But those are all I can think of now.
 Really excited for the Ottawa, Montreal and Calgary dates! And the show with Mark Little!

Friday, February 24, 2012

SHOWS

A lot of people come up to me and they say "Hey Nick." then I say "Hey." back to them. Then they leave. After they leave I wish they had asked me what shows I have coming up. Which reminds me, I have some shows coming up...they're all listed in Toronto unless I sez otherwise.
SHOWS
Monday February 27 - Laughable At Unlovable! 9PM.
Monday March 5 - Laughable At Unlovable! 9PM
Wednesday March 7 - Chris Locke's birthday show at Double Double Land!
Sunday March 11 - Staircase Theatre, Hamilton ON. With Cliff Myers and Chris Locke.
Monday March 19 - Laughable At Unlovable! 9PM
Wednesday March 21 - Weedy Wednesdays at Vapor Central, 9PM.
Thursday March 22 - Laugh Sabbath, Comedy Bar. 930.
Sunday March 25 - Gus' Pub, Halifax.
Sunday April 14 - MCing at the Dirty Ghosts Show, The Silver Dollar.
Thursday April 25 - Laugh Sabbath at Comedy bar, 930.

I will post more as they arrive! Busy times.

Monday, January 09, 2012

Schtick

I GOT MY FIRST COMMERCIAL?!

Please put me in your gifs.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Late 2010 Interview


A glimpse into my late 2010 end of Brutal Knights mindstate.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Hamburger Time

Thanks to everyone who came and had fun at the Neil Hamburger shows. Comedy Bar, Casbah and Starlight Room are all run by good folk. No thanks to people in Toronto who think "Neil Hamburger wants people to heckle him and anyone else involved in his show". If you're going to use that as a rock solid argument, you're wasting my time and also you're wasting the human body you inhabit. That's not the thing. Luckily, that is a tiny group of fools - the majority of people at the shows were there for the laughs.